Tuesday, December 28

Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #67

This vanity sizing thing has to stop. Back in The Land That Time Forgot  I am a solid size 8. Now my lower half is a zero. A zero! Technically this means I'm invisible from the waist down. This is clearly not the case. Ask anyone who has attempted to navigate a grocery store aisle with me in it. What do the truly tiny wear? (I know-Do Not Cry for Them, Allsotinya.) Soon small clothing will need to be sized by powers of ten. Excuse me. Do you have this skirt in a 07? Trickery. Bah. But that soft pink dressing room lighting...



 image/dressformsonline  

Tuesday, December 21

"Happy" Holidays


A mother obviously did not coin the term Happy Holidays.
A mother would have chosen a different adjective. 

Friday, December 17

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)



This semester has truly been the longest of my life. 

 You clearly didn't read the directions.  Yes, they're provided for each assignment. In your packet. The first day of class. There it is, that large stack of papers. It certainly wasn't that crumpled when I handed it out. 

Well, we've explored all the traditional learning styles and none seem to be working for you. No, Twitter is not yet considered a learning style. 

Yes, I'll still accept that assignment but you'll only receive partial credit. Because it was due in October. No, 'harsh' would be if I suggested that you live in a completely different space/time continuum than the rest of us and gave you a zero. Please say 'Hello' to Doc and Marty.

I'm sure there's a career where disorganization, an aversion to listening and the inability to proofread are prized skills.

image/dealcetera

Monday, December 13

Twinkle Twinkle

                                              

                                                Day One
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blow drying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!

Maximus: I'M NOT IN THERE ANYMORE!

Me: JUST GO PUSH IT!

                       
                                         
  
                                                     Day Two
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. They take days you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 

                                                      Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work) Why were the Christmas lights on when I left for work this morning?

Me: Clearly they misunderstand the meaning of 'dusk'.       
 
                                                       Day Four
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!

Me: KIDS! THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ON! QUICK! COME DOWN AND SEE!

Maximus: IN A MINUTE! I JUST HAVE TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!

  image/christmaslightsetc   

Wednesday, December 8

Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas


Christmas with the pets. Such a merry time. Not a creature is stirring because they're all at our house. 
The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and the Christmas tree is wired to the wall. 
The presents are wrapped and placed under the tree, except for Raggedy Ann whose head, tragically, was found spread around the family room.
The Christmas cookies are baked and displayed on their tray and will be hung from the ceiling to avoid a repeat of the Dog Eats Entire Tray of Christmas Cookies Debacle of 2008.
The nutcrackers are lined up on the hearth in the hope that the dogs will eat them, but they will not. 
The enticing smells of cinnamon and citrus, evergreen and clove strategically fill the house, and anyone with a cat knows why. Welcome to our home! Just grab a mask from the snowman basket. Can I get you a glass of wine?
The stuffed reindeer family is placed high on a shelf. The smallest one, Little No Eyes, tells the story.
The holiday candles will be enjoyed at the neighbors because nothing spoils the festivities quicker than a cat knocking over your candles and your exquisitely lit home going up in a ball of flame.
And yet the gifts of bones, treats and fuzzy mice will all be there on Christmas morning, next to the stockings, because apparently Santa doesn't put pets on the naughty list. 


image/castleveterinarypractice

Saturday, December 4

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter 3)


Here we go. I'm going to get the Christmas tubs out of the attic now! Time to tear the house to pieces and fill it with lots of red and green stuff. But I promise I'll only bring a few things down at a time! Lots and lots of red and green stuff. I went ahead and brought all the kitchen stuff down! And paper. And boxes and ribbon. I know you're still using your office so I'll just put some of the wrapping things in mine! And holly and reindeer and snowmen and lights. It won't all fit in mine. Can I just put some of it in yours? And jing jinglers, flu floopers, who wompers, blum bloopers. How about if I put all of the nutcrackers and golfing Santas together? What do you mean 'less obnoxious'?  Trum tupers, tar tinkers, slu slumkers, gar ginkers. Do you remember where we display the yule log candleholder Minimus made in Cub Scouts? Yes, we do. I am aware he's in college now. No, termites like damp wood. Our home is now Whoville. I need to be medicated. Just don't forget to put out my singing hamster!

image/vectorstock

Thursday, December 2

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)


No, there is not a chance you could still get an A. Your average is a 74. 

No, you may not do extra, extra credit.

Check your syllabus. Yes, we have a syllabus. The first day of class. It's a little late now. 

What part of  'a hard copy is required' didn't you understand? If I want some cute animal pictures or a recipe, those you can email to me. 

I am no longer accepting excuses that contain the word 'printer' or 'I didn't know'.  

No, it wasn't in my mailbox. Yes, I looked before class. No, that wasn't my box because that's not my name.  Yes, that is embarrassing. 

I hope Santa puts a stapler in your stocking.



 
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