Thursday, February 24

What's Cookin'?


Me: On Sunday we're having that pork tenderloin you like, with my homemade stuffing, so we'll both be happy.

Hubby: A pork roast?

Me: No, the pork tenderloin. The one you like.

Hubby: Oh. Okay. Is it like those sandwiches?

Me: No, not the sandwiches! The PORK TENDERLOIN. That long piece that's YOUR FAVORITE!

Hubby: Oh, that! I love that. Good! And you're making Stove Top? 

Me: No! Did I say Stove Top? I said I'm making my homemade stuffing and that's why we will both be happy. Because you like the pork tenderloin and I like my stuffing. You heard nothing I said did you?

Hubby: And when are we having this?

Me: June 12th.

Hubby: Sounds great.

Me: It's February.

Hubby: You usually don't plan so far ahead. 

Me: Not usually, no.

Hubby: Hey! Could we have it Sunday?

image/bubblicious

Thursday, February 17

Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #43

Clerk:  Hi! May I help you?

Have I fallen? Dropped something? I've just set foot in the door!

Me: Not yet, thank you. Just going to browse around for a top.

Clerk: Any particular type of top?

I don't dare tell her I'm trying very hard not to buy my 98th grey turtleneck and to find something different and fun. She'll drag me around, showing me all kinds of revolting things that I'll have to come up with some kind of excuse why I don't want to try on!

Me: Not really, no. 

Clerk: Ok, then. My name is Mincy. Just let me know if you need anything.

Me: Okay, thank you.

Now where are the 'not a hooker' tops? Oh, look! Turtlenecks! Stop it. Just step away. Now these tops are cute--nice neckline, good length, here's a pretty blue one. Good lord, the back is completely sheer!

Me: So the hooker tops are just sprinkled willy nilly throughout the store then?

Clerk: Excuse me?

Me: Nothing. Still browsing.

Why are all the tops so weird?, Sheer, tiny straps, plunging necklines, flowers, ruffles, chain mail

Me: Mincy, I'm just not understanding these tops. 

Clerk: Oh, some of them aren't meant to be worn by themselves. You're supposed to layer them.

Me: So do they come with some sort of tags, or numbering system, like Garanimals?

Clerk: Like what?

Of course you've never heard of Garanimals. You're eleven.  

Me: Nothing. So I have to buy two or three tops to get the look of one top? Sort of a 'build your own' type of thing? Like at the yogurt shop?

Clerk: Yes. *giggle*  Kind of like that! See? You can take this one, and put this one underneath, and then this one on top. Oooh, and then wrap this belt around and add these nine necklaces! Totally cute! 

It's the total that concerns me. 

Clerk: Would you like me to put them in a dressing room for you?

Me: Why not? Let's give it a go.

Clerk: There you are. Now, if you need anything, a different size or something, I'm Mincy .

Me: Yes, you'd said. Okay, thank you. Is there a bell, or a secret whistle or something?  

Clerk: You're funny! I'll just be back to check on you.

Right. Okay, this one first. So many little straps...  Now this one. Which is the front?...  Then this sweater thing over it all... This can't be right. Maybe the belt is to go over your eyes so you can't see the mess you've created. Let's see if the necklaces 'pull the outfit together'... Oh, my. I look homeless. I suppose that's the trend now. 'Homeless Chic'. I need Mincy. Where the hell is Mincy?

Clerk: How's it going in there? It's so cute, isn't it? Don't you love the way the necklaces pull the outfit together? Can I get you anything?

Me: Yes, please. Would you bring me one of those grey turtlenecks in a medium? 

Thursday, February 10

The Language of Love

   Caught in another 'meaningful conversation' with your significant other? At a loss for words, or simply disinterested? The following Clip-Out Guide provides a variety of suitable phrases and responses guaranteed to bring an end to virtually any discussion. The use of these phrases may result in the start of yet another 'meaningful conversation' and for this the author assumes no liability. 
  Caution: Preceding a phrase with a term of endearment is often attempted but results may vary. Discretion is advised. 

image/ssplprints 
image/clipartclipart

THE FINISH LINE
  •     Were you talking?        
  •      Fine. Whatever.
  •      I’m busy. You do it.
  •     Are you wearing that?                                    
  •   My mom's is better.                                     
  •     I’m not listening.
  •   Wait. I'm about to care.
  •     Don’t bother me.
  •     Can we never eat this again?
  •     Look! Behind you!
  •   Aunt Edna had a shirt like that.
  •    Can you hear those scratching noises?
  •    Please stop talking.
  •    Court is adjourned.
  •   What's wrong with your hair?
  •   I’ll do it at half time.
  •   Do you smell smoke?

Thursday, February 3

Mixed Priorities or "...but what about the raccoon?"

Hubby: I'm going to Home Depot to get a replacement for that drain cover in our shower.

Me: Wha..? Might I ask why that would be a priority for today?

Hubby: Because it's all cruddy and gross.

Me: Oh, that's right. I forgot that today was Reverse Priority day. Isn't that where we start at the bottom of our to-do list and work our way up to the things that really matter?

Hubby: What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are about 957 other things that need to be taken care of before I would even THINK of replacing that shower drain cover. 

Hubby: What would you rather I do today, then?

Me: I thought you might want to get rid of the dead raccoon in the middle of the kitchen floor, for starters.

Hubby: I hadn't noticed that. 

Me: Clearly. I decided to just leave it there and see how long it took for you to stop stepping over it and actually bend over and pick it up. Yet you notice the shower drain cover.

Hubby: Yep. Well, I'm heading out. Anything else you want me to pick up?

Me: Just the raccoon.

image/theanimalprintshop



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