Have I fallen? Dropped something? I've just set foot in the door!
Me: Not yet, thank you. Just going to browse around for a top.
Clerk: Any particular type of top?
I don't dare tell her I'm trying very hard not to buy my 98th grey turtleneck and to find something different and fun. She'll drag me around, showing me all kinds of revolting things that I'll have to come up with some kind of excuse why I don't want to try on!Me: Not really, no.
Clerk: Ok, then. My name is Mincy. Just let me know if you need anything.
Me: Okay, thank you.
Now where are the 'not a hooker' tops? Oh, look! Turtlenecks! Stop it. Just step away. Now these tops are cute--nice neckline, good length, here's a pretty blue one. Good lord, the back is completely sheer!
Me: So the hooker tops are just sprinkled willy nilly throughout the store then?
Clerk: Excuse me?
Me: Nothing. Still browsing.
Why are all the tops so weird?, Sheer, tiny straps, plunging necklines, flowers, ruffles, chain mail?
Me: Mincy, I'm just not understanding these tops.
Clerk: Oh, some of them aren't meant to be worn by themselves. You're supposed to layer them.
Me: So do they come with some sort of tags, or numbering system, like Garanimals?
Clerk: Like what?
Of course you've never heard of Garanimals. You're eleven.
Me: Nothing. So I have to buy two or three tops to get the look of one top? Sort of a 'build your own' type of thing? Like at the yogurt shop?
Clerk: Yes. *giggle* Kind of like that! See? You can take this one, and put this one underneath, and then this one on top. Oooh, and then wrap this belt around and add these nine necklaces! Totally cute!
It's the total that concerns me.
Clerk: Would you like me to put them in a dressing room for you?
Me: Why not? Let's give it a go.
Clerk: There you are. Now, if you need anything, a different size or something, I'm Mincy .
Me: Yes, you'd said. Okay, thank you. Is there a bell, or a secret whistle or something?
Clerk: You're funny! I'll just be back to check on you.
Right. Okay, this one first. So many little straps... Now this one. Which is the front?... Then this sweater thing over it all... This can't be right. Maybe the belt is to go over your eyes so you can't see the mess you've created. Let's see if the necklaces 'pull the outfit together'... Oh, my. I look homeless. I suppose that's the trend now. 'Homeless Chic'. I need Mincy. Where the hell is Mincy?
Clerk: How's it going in there? It's so cute, isn't it? Don't you love the way the necklaces pull the outfit together? Can I get you anything?
Me: Yes, please. Would you bring me one of those grey turtlenecks in a medium?
Very funny. Mincy should be in her own sitcom.
ReplyDeleteShe really should be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public, shouldn't she?
ReplyDeleteWe were standing in Wendy's new closet in Chicago. She had a beautiful shelf unit in the back with perfectly folded sweaters. Grey sweaters. At least a dozen grey sweaters.
ReplyDeleteJen: Hey, Wendy, I think you could use a couple of grey sweaters.
Wendy is my soulmate.
ReplyDeleteSo, that chicken out back that we hadn't named for months and months because we couldn't decide on a good enough name? Yeah. Mincy.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious!!
SO happy Mincy will be living in your backyard! But if the other chickens start weirdly accessorizing...
ReplyDeleteHow do you go from a shop with clothes you don't understand with an 11-year-old to help you, to a scarily grown-up shop where the help will look down its nose and you won't be able to afford anything anyway? It would seem that you buy what you've bought before, play safe and shop on line where they can't see you...
ReplyDelete"..where they can't see you." Hahaha! And we won't begin to discuss shopping for cosmetics!
ReplyDelete