Wednesday, January 19

Coviid Shoppiing with MIncii


Me: Excuse me? Do you know if you have...

MInci: (into mobile) Just a sec. May I help you? 

Me: Oh. MInci. Hi. I haven't seen you for quite a while.

MInci: (silent gaze)

Me:Your name tag...

MInci: I added an extra "i". 

Me: .... Okay then. I'm looking for a new lip gloss since they discontinued my favorite, the Lip Glaze. Do you have one that would be similar? 

MIncii: That Lip Glaze has been gone for.e.ver. Lots of the old clients liked that one though.

Me: Right. Well, are any of the new glosses anything like it? 

Mincii: Gawd, hope not! (into mobile) Just a sec.

Me: So no gloss then? 

Mincii: Oooh, we have this aMAZing Lip ShimmerPoppyPlumpo!! Want to try? You look like you'd use the Gouge Your Eyes Out pink with XX plumpo. 

Me: Well, I'm not sure I want...

Mincii: But we're out of those. Let me see if we have a sample somewhere.

Me: That's okay, I don't need a sample... Minci? MInci, really. No need to crawl around under...

MIncii: I found my old name tag! 

Me: And there you go. I suppose now you could switch back and forth? Keep your customers guessing. 

Mincii: (silent gaze) 

Me: And I'm guessing you didn't find a sample? 

MIncii: (into mobile) Just a sec.

Me: All right then. How about an eyebrow pencil? I need one of those.

Mincii: Oooh, you DO! That happens when you get old. Poof. Gone. 

Me: *sigh* If you have this one in a light brown I'll take one, please. 

MIncii: You mean the Hazy Scorched Earth color? We're out of those. 

Me:  Oh, I suppose the supply chain... 

MIncii: We don't sell those at this counter. I bet they have them in Jewelry. (into mobile) Just a sec. 


Monday, January 10

A Note to January

Dearest January,

   Just a little note to tell you how happy I am that you've arrived. After the chaos that we call the holidays you are absolute calendar perfection! Thirty-one blissfully empty little squares to fill with soup making, time by the fireplace, even a little organizing. Sadly, some find you boring. You are not one of those pushy months that shoves events at us nonstop, but a quieter month that requires some effort. Many would argue that this effort is primarily spent on snow removal. Weather issues do tend to overshadow your more subtle charms, but charming you can be. So again, thrilled to have you back!

Affectionately,
  Crayon

    

Friday, December 10

Twinkle Twinkle

                                              

                  
















                                                    Day One
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blowdrying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!

Maximus: I'M NOT IN THERE ANYMORE!

Me: JUST GO PUSH IT!

                                                              
Day Two
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. They take days to put up you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 


Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!

Me: KIDS! THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ON! QUICK! COME DOWN AND SEE!

Maximus: IN A MINUTE! I JUST HAVE TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!


  image/christmaslightsetc   

Monday, November 1

Happy Thanksgiving to All Kinds*


Ahh, Thanksgiving. The time when Hubby gets to spend a week among his own kind. And our kinds could not be more different.
Hubby:  Mom, where are the scissors?

Mom: Scissors? Oh, I don't know, Dear. Just use something else.

Hubby: You can't just sub-in any old utensil for scissors, Mom. Their functionality is pretty specific.

Mom: Just get something out of the knife drawer.

Hubby: Mom! Someone could lose a limb in there. I'll go buy you some new scissors. Where are your keys?

Mom: Keys? Oh, I don't know, Dear. 


I, on the other hand, grew up in a home with the motto A Place For Everything and It Damn Well Better Be There.

Me: Mother, where are the scissors?

Mother: Do you need the kitchen ones, the office ones, the sewing ones, the everyday ones, or the ones in the garage? Or do you need the pinking shears or the shredding scissors?

Me: I just need to cut off this thread.

Mother: Then get the sewing scissors. They're in my sewing box in the closet in the office. Just open the top and they're in the second compartment on the left, next to that cute pincushion you made for me in Brownies.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, whatever your kind! 


*a Scribbles holiday repeat!

 image/midcenturymom

Thursday, October 28

Sunday, October 10

It's Reunion Time Again!

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!.*
To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  


-------------------------------------------------------clip-out--------------------------------------------------------

REUNION CHECKLIST

HAIR                                                                            
     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Color
     ___Shave
     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)
     ___Pluck
     ___Lament (opt)

 SKIN
     ___Exfoliate
     ___Moisturize
     ___Tan
            ___Self
            ___Spray
            ___Actual UV (Um...see below)
     ___Plump
     ___Firm
     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)
     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

 NAILS
     ___Manicure
     ___Pedicure
     ___Obsess
     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

TEETH
     ___Brush ( x10)
     ___Actually Floss
     ___Whiten
            ___Toothpaste $
            ___Strips $$
            ___Dentist $$$

BODY 
     ___Diet
     ___Exercise
     ___Diet and Exercise 
     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)
     ___Spanx

CLOTHING
     ___Something Cute
            ___Warm weather
                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)
                   ___No cleavage?
            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)
     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous
            ___Comfy
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

ACCESSORIES
     ___A perfect hands-free bag
     ___Jewelry
     ___Camera
     ___Small album containing photos of:
            ___Adorable family
            ___Cute pets
            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.
     ___Husband (opt) 

---------------------------------------------------clip-out--------------------------------------------------------------

For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 
You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 
                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)


*a Scribbles rerun
 image/flickr/cindyiscrafty

Monday, June 21

Summer Vacation: A Tale of Two Meanings




va·ca·tion

[vey-key-shuhn, vuh-] noun
1.
a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity,usually used 
for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday: Schoolchildren are 
on vacation now.

Chapter 1

Mom:  School's out! Get your suits on and let's go to the pool!

Kids:  Why are you at the bus stop, Mommy?


Chapter 2

Dad:  Are you enjoying your summer reading, guys?

Minimus:  We just got out of school yesterday, Dad.

Dad:  Well, it's never too early to get started on it. 

Maximus:  We couldn't go to the bookstore to get our books because Mommy took us to the 
                  pool.


                                                        
Chapter 3

Dad:  So, what do you both hope to accomplish this summer? Let's look at 
         your lists!

Minimus:  See? I told you he'd ask about The Lists already.

Maximus:  But it's just the first week of summer vacation! 

Dad:  If you don't have a plan, then before you know it the summer will be over and you 
        won't have anything to show for it.

Kids:  We tried to write our lists but they got wet when Mommy took us to the pool.


Chapter 4

Dad:  Have you been working on your college essay, Minimus?

Minimus:  Dad, I'm 11.

Dad:  That doesn't mean you can't be thinking of some themes. 

Minimus:  I suppose I could work on it at the pool. 


Chapter 5

Dad:  How are your summer activities coming, kids? Did you organize your Habitat build 
         today?

Kids:  We wanted to work on our "Wells for Alagongua" project but Mommy took us to
          the pool.


image/cascadeplungenashvilletn

Sunday, November 29

Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas


Christmas with the pets. Such a merry time. Not a creature is stirring because they're all at our house. 
The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and the Christmas tree is wired to the wall. 
The presents are wrapped and placed under the tree, except for Raggedy Ann whose head, tragically, was found spread around the family room.
The Christmas cookies are baked and displayed on their tray and will be hung from the ceiling to avoid a repeat of the Dog Eats Entire Tray of Christmas Cookies Debacle of 2008.
The nutcrackers are lined up on the hearth in the hope that the dogs will eat them, but they will not. 
The enticing smells of cinnamon and citrus, evergreen and clove strategically fill the house, and anyone with a cat knows why. Welcome to our home! Just grab a mask from the snowman basket. Can I get you a glass of wine?
The stuffed reindeer family is placed high on a shelf. The smallest one, Little No Eyes, tells the story.
The holiday candles will be enjoyed at the neighbors because nothing spoils the festivities quicker than a cat knocking over your candles and your exquisitely decorated home going up in a ball of flame.
And yet the gifts of bones, treats and fuzzy mice will all be there on Christmas morning, next to the stockings, because apparently Santa doesn't put pets on the naughty list. 


image/castleveterinarypractice

Sunday, March 15

If You're Happy and You Know It*


Hubby: Come take this "Happiness Quiz" in the Southwest Airlines magazine. I filled mine out on the plane and I want to see how you score.

Me: You are so competitive.

Hubby: Me?! You even compare our blood work after our physicals.

Me: That is not the least bit odd.

Hubby: Okay, I'll read you the questions and you answer them using the scale 1: not at all like me to 5: extremely like me. Ready?

Me: Oh, fine. But I'm a happy person and we both know it.

Hubby: Just answer the questions! Okay--"I have more good days than bad days."

Me: Five.

Hubby: "I matter to other people."

Me: Five

Hubby: "I enjoy things every day."

Me: Five

Hubby: You can't just answer "Five" for every question! That's not happy, that's delusional. 

Me: Why? What did you answer for that one?

Hubby: "Two."

Me: "Two" ? You have got to be kidding. And you wonder why I say you're a "glass is half empty" person. 

Hubby: But I said "Four" to "I take time for leisure activities".

Me: I would hope so since your day to day existence appears to be less than satisfactory.

Hubby: YOU don't take time for leisure activities.

Me: Who has the time? I'm too busy making myself happy and obviously spending futile hours trying to make you happy as well. Was Eeyore a role model for you as a child?

Hubby: Very funny. Just finish answering the questions.

Me: Two. Four. Five. Five. Five. 

Hubby: Okay, let me add up your score. See? I knew it! You score in the "I Want Whatever She's Having" category.

Me: You know I live in my own Happy Land and it's very enjoyable there.

Hubby: I want to live in Happy Land, too. I can be more like Tigger.

Me: I know you can, honey. You just need to choke your inner Eeyore to death first. Then picture two Tiggers running joyously through Happy Land together. See? Isn't it fun there?

Hubby: Um... On second thought, maybe someone needs to stay home, and by "home" I mean "In touch with reality".

Me: Fine. No Eeyores allowed in Happy Land anyway. Didn't you see the sign?


*a Scribbles Hubby favorite

Saturday, August 31

Minimus Discovers Vintage


Minimus: Do you really think we'll find a coffee table for my apartment at this antique mall?

Me: I love this place! See? It's in an old train depot and has everything--antiques, vintage, fun junk. I bet you'll find something.

Maximus: I brought my list!

Me: Honey, it's not all about you today. I know that seems strange. 

Maximus: But I brought my list!

Me: You knew we were shopping for things for Minimus's apartment when you agreed to come along.

Maximus: But I still brought my list!

Hubby: I hope everything isn't expensive in here. We're not spending a fortune on a coffee table.

Me: Let's just go in...

Minimus: Hey, it's pretty cool in here.

Maximus: I'm going to look for some things on my list!

Hubby: Geez, some of this stuff is expensive.

Me: We've gone a total of 17 feet. Minimus, just go look around and see if you find something. 

                                              10 minutes later...

Maximus: (laughing) What are you doing in there?

Me: Where are you guys? What's so funny?

Maximus: Come here and look at Minimus!

Me: Wha..? Honey, what are you doing in a vintage clothing booth?

Minimus: Check out this shirt! It's vintage? I thought it was like Goodwill or something. It's cool!

Maximus: Bahahaha! It's terrible!

Minimus: It's cool. And it's vintage.

Me: It is kind of bad. Unless a 1974 middle management vibe is what you're going for.

Minimus: What? I like it. It's cool. And it's vintage. Oh wait, this blue one's better!  Hey, check it out! A plaid sport coat with rhinestones on the shoulders! 

Maximus: I have to get a picture of this. Go stand next to that mannequin head with the beret.

Hubby: What are you guys...   Why are you wearing that?!  I thought you needed a coffee table.

Minimus: This stuff is cool! And it's vintage. I'm going to get this shirt.

Hubby: It looks like a lot of the shirts you already have.

Minimus: But it's vintage.

Me: Let's just go look for a coffee table.

Minimus: Oh, I found one when we first came in. It's cool. And it's vintage.

image/flickr                              

Sunday, February 11

The Language of Love

   Caught in another 'meaningful conversation' with your significant other? At a loss for words, or simply disinterested? The following Clip-Out Guide provides a variety of suitable phrases and responses guaranteed to bring an end to virtually any discussion. The use of these phrases may result in the start of yet another 'meaningful conversation' and for this the author assumes no liability. 
  Caution: Preceding a phrase with a term of endearment is often attempted but results may vary. Discretion is advised. 

image/ssplprints 
image/clipartclipart

THE FINISH LINE
  •     Were you talking?        
  •      Fine. Whatever.
  •      I’m busy. You do it.
  •     Are you wearing that?                                    
  •   My mom's is better.                                     
  •     I’m not listening.
  •   Wait. I'm about to care.
  •     Don’t bother me.
  •     Can we never eat this again?
  •     Look! Behind you!
  •   Aunt Edna had a shirt like that.
  •    Can you hear those scratching noises?
  •    Please stop talking.
  •    Court is adjourned.
  •   What's wrong with your hair?
  •   I’ll do it at half time.
  •   Do you smell smoke?

Tuesday, April 18

Opposite Me*

Opposite Me... is tan.

Opposite Me... drives an open-top Jeep. It is outdoorsy green. And always open. In order to carry her bike. Or her board. 

Opposite Me... looks good wet. Out of the shower. Or at the pool. Or at the beach. Especially at the beach.

Opposite Me... is luminous in direct sunlight. (See: Tan and Beach)

Opposite Me... wears sunglasses only to look cute. And to hold back her maintenance-free wind hair. Not because the bright light makes her squint like a mole. 

Opposite Me... is spontaneous. Her license plate says LETSGO. It is on her outdoorsy green open-top Jeep.

Opposite Me... can pack for an entire weekend in a ZipLoc bag. And will be prepared for dancing, hiking, swimming, the Farmers Market, and cocktails. 

Opposite Me... has a tattoo. (see: Spontaneous)

Opposite Me...  laughs in the face of gravity. Without the aid of underwires or duct tape.

Opposite Me... loves to watch the sunrise. Without coffee. Or makeup.

Opposite Me... looks cute in hats. Any hats. But doesn't need them because she has wind hair. (see: Open-top Jeep and Sunglasses)

Opposite Me... entertains. On the spur of the moment. And enjoys it. 

Opposite Me... is lucky she isn't real. I'd have to choke her. 

*A Maximus favorite!

image/expeditionportal/sleeoffroad

Saturday, January 21

Adventures in Doggysitting


Me:  I'm heading to the grocery. I'll be back in a little while.

Hubby:  I think I'm just going to work in the yard. I'll let the dogs stay out with me.

Me:  Just be sure to keep an eye on them or put their fencing collars on so they stay in the yard. 

Hubby:  Um hmm...


(Later)

Hubby: You're back! I'll help you bring in the groceries.

Me:  Why are the dogs in the garage? 

Hubby: They were outside with me.

Me:  But they're all wet.

Hubby: Oh. Right. They... went on a little adventure. 

Me:  They were supposed to be in the yard with you.

Hubby: They were! And then they weren't. 

Me:  You're the parent whose toddler ends up on the neighbor's front porch naked with a Tootsie Pop stuck to its face, aren't you? 

Hubby:  The dogs aren't sticky. 

Me:  And that is your defense...

Hubby:  Oooh, look! You got cupcakes!



Tuesday, May 8

Oasis of Tidy: A Fairy Tale


Me:  Wendy* is coming over in the morning so could you and the dogs, um...


Hubby:  Vanish?


Me:  You know the house doesn't stay tidy for more than 3 minutes when you're all in it. 


Hubby:  Are you saying we're messy?


Me:  Yes, Hansel, that's what I'm saying. If only your debris trail was bread crumbs, then the dogs could clean up after you.




Hubby:  I'll tidy up before I go to work.


Me:  Thanks. I just want it to be nice. You know how Wendy's house is a lovely oasis of organization and charm.


Hubby:  I think our house is an oasis.


Me:  After a sand storm.


Hubby:  Or a fur storm!


Me:  Not funny.


Hubby:  Hey, our house is great.


Me:  You don't even see the mess. You could live in a yurt.


Hubby:  My feelings, and I know I speak for the pets as well, are wounded.


Me:  Just don't bleed on the carpet. Wendy's coming.


*Names have not been changed to give credit where credit is due.


image/greentechmedia

Monday, April 30

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (The Series) Part 3



Maybe your dog should have eaten your homework. 


No, I won't tweet you what you missed. 


Did you check the class website? Yes, there's a class website.  Since the first week.  I know it's 
the last week.  No, it wasn't a "secret website".  Yes, it's too late to drop. 




Late:  /lāt/  (adjective): Coming after the time when due. Doing something or taking place after the 
          expected, proper, or usual time. 


That burning smell is probably your spell checker.


Did you bring your hard copy? Oh, you emailed it... 


This is why there are helmet laws. 


And to the other 99% of my students--Thank you!


image/cafepress


Friday, March 30

Witty Comeback



Hubby:  Hey, what's up with your blog?

Me: You read my blog?

Hubby:  You haven't made fun of me in almost two months.

Me:  It isn't nice to pick on the infirm.

Hubby:  Now there's a word you don't hear every day!

Me:  But when I've been seeing it before my very eyes...

Hubby:  You're referring to my recent back problems I assume?

Me:  Never knowing which character you would be each day? Frankenstein, Walter Brennan, Kevin Costner in "The Big Chill"... 

Hubby:  I wasn't dead!

Me:  But you did just lie there on a number of occasions.

Hubby:  I prefer to think of it as suffering in quiet dignity, like Gary Cooper in "The Pride of the Yankees".

Me:  But that's just not funny. 

Hubby:  Maybe you could write something kind and sympathetic for a change?

Me:  Aaand....he's back!

Hubby:  Punny.

Me:  See?!


image/wallpaperfree

Monday, December 12

Twinkle Twinkle*

                                           
                  Day One
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blow drying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!

Maximus: I'M NOT IN THERE ANYMORE!

Me: JUST GO PUSH IT!

                  
                                         
  
                  Day Two
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. Those lights take days you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 

                                                      Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work) Why were the Christmas lights on when I left for work this morning?

Me: Perhaps you didn't explain to them the meaning of 'dusk'?      
 
                                                       Day Four
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!

Me: KIDS! THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ON! QUICK! COME DOWN AND SEE!

Maximus: IN A MINUTE! I JUST HAVE TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!

image/christmaslightsetc 

*a favorite holiday Scribble 

Saturday, December 3

I Married a Christmas Elf (Episode 1)*

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument. Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. The kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up.

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: The scraps can have a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?
 

image/nalcbranch193
*a favorite holiday Scribble

Tuesday, November 1

Held for Questioning


Entering Aging Maroon:

Me: Just need some t-shirts for Minimus and I'll take a quick look at the sweaters.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Yikes, that music. 

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: That isn't music.

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Will that song never end?!

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Eeeee NAH nah NAH....  Ack! It's like musical water torture! I'll buy these t-shirts and just go.

Cashier (to customer ahead in line):  Welcome to Aging Maroon! Did you find everything you were looking for today?  

Customer: Yes I did. 

Cashier: Did you scratch off your "FlyMeToThe'Roon" card? You could save up to 5%. 

Customer: Of course!

Cashier: Would you like to save 10% and open an Aging Maroon card today?

Customer: No, thank you.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Cashier: Will you be using your Aging Maroon Love the 'Roon Special Shopper Card today?

Customer: Yes, but I don't have it with me.

Me: (Oh, good grief.)  

Cashier: No problem! I'll just look you up! .....   Name on the account? ....   There you are! ... Can I have your email address so you can receive multiple notifications a day about our special offers? Oh, I see you're using one of our e-roonpons! Let me just scan that...  Okay, your total is $87.43.

Me: (Finally.)  

Cashier: Would you like to become a member of our Socka'Roony Frequent Buyer Club? Buy 27 and 1/2 pairs of socks and get the 28th sock free! You get a punch card.

Me: (Don't think about punching. Don't think about punching.)

Cashier: I'm sorry, but your credit card won't scan. May I please see your driver's license?

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: (For the love of....!!) 

Cashier: I'm going to have to take an imprint of your card since it won't scan. Hm, where is that imprinter thingy.....?  Shari, do you have the imprinter thingy?.... Here we go! ... There. Now what is your home phone number and address? .... Do you have a cell number?.... And let me put your driver's license number here at the bottom.... 

Me: GAH! Are you kidding me?!!  She's buying some clothes, not adopting a child!

Silence.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.




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