Monday, September 26

Being That Parent: A Guide (Chapter 1)

Being That Parent: A Guide 

 Provides parent-proven tips guaranteed to turn any parent, however well meaning,
into That Parent. Simply choose a suggestion from the list 
and be amazed how quickly you, too, can become That Parent

Tip #1  Everyone Loves the Spotlight

1. Notice your child's ___. 
    (You may choose from the following or select something from your own child)
          -endearing and/or quirky habit
          -cute freckles, blemishes, adorably tiny earlobes, honky Uncle Lester laugh
          -lack of (muscles, boobs, facial hair, math skills)
          -overabundance of (hair product, enthusiasm for Greek tragedy, glitter eyeshadow,      
            passion for Justin Bieber)

2. Be sure to comment on it.

3. To them.

4. At the game/parent-teacher conference/recital/Justin Bieber concert meet and greet.

5. In front of their friends. And Justin Bieber.

Tip #2    "It's Not My Party and I'll Ground You If I Want To"

Punish your child for their latest infraction by forbidding them to attend the birthday party tomorrow that you RSVP'd to three weeks ago. You will become not only That Parent to your child, but to the parents of the birthday child as well. 

Tip #3    "No Food for You!"   -The Food Nazi

Only have healthy foods in your home. No exceptions. If it has to be washed, chopped, cooked or killed prior to eating all the better. This will assure A) your children and their friends will go to someone else's house and B) they won't be eating the fancy, organic groceries you just spent a fortune on at Whole Foods. 

Please join us next month for another chapter of Being That Parent: A Guide 
when we discuss  "My Car, My Music": That Parent Behind the Wheel.  

Being That Parent welcomes contributions from readers for future chapters of the Guide!


Tuesday, September 13

Why Shopping is Annoying Reason #73

Clerk: Hi! Welcome to ShopRags! Are you looking for anything special today? 

Me: Oh, hi Mincy. 

Clerk: My name's Mincy! Let me know if I can help you with anything!

Me: I know who...  Right. Actually I just came in...

Clerk: Did you see the fabulous Indian blanket sweater coat with the fur sleeves and trim?! 

Me: Mincy, I'm still in the doorway.

Clerk: Come on! Let me show you!

Me: It's 87 degrees outside. Who would even think of buying something like that yet?

Clerk: Ohhhh looook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XL?

Me: They're gone already? That is incredible.

Clerk: Seriously, I think you could wear the XL. We'll just add this amazing snakeskin belt...

Me: No, Mincy, I just meant that it's still so hot outside...

Clerk: Don't be sad! I'll call another store! We have free shipping to your house if the item weighs less than 40 lbs. Oh. Maybe I should weigh it.

Me: Please don't bother. I only came in to...

Clerk: It's no bother! Or maybe you'd like this other sweater coat with triple leather and faux ocelot. Ohhhh loook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XS?

Me: They're gone, too? I can't believe it.

Clerk: Now you're sad.

Me: Really, it's fine. I didn't come in to buy a Sasquatch sweater coat. I just needed some grey tights.

Clerk: Yay! We have LOTS of those! Let's just get them and I'll ring you up.

Me: Thanks Mincy. 

Clerk: That will be $15.27. Was anyone helping you today?


Friday, September 2

Model Behavior

A former supermodel lives nearby. At the height of her career 
she looked like this.

Currently she looks like this.

We see one another on our walks.

When she walks her baby she looks like this.

When I walk my dog I look like this.

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