Monday, November 13

Happy Thanksgiving to All Kinds*

Ahh, Thanksgiving. The time when Hubby gets to spend a week among his own kind. And our kinds could not be more different.
Hubby:  Mom, where are the scissors?

Mom: Scissors? Oh, I don't know, Dear. Just use something else.

Hubby: You can't just sub-in any old utensil for scissors, Mom. Their functionality is pretty specific.

Mom: Just get something out of the knife drawer.

Hubby: Mom! Someone could lose a limb in there. I'll go buy you some new scissors. Where are your keys?

Mom: Keys? Oh, I don't know, Dear. 

I, on the other hand, grew up in a home with the motto A Place For Everything and It Damn Well Better Be There.

Me: Mother, where are the scissors?

Mother: Do you need the kitchen ones, the office ones, the sewing ones, the everyday ones, or the ones in the garage? Or do you need the pinking shears or the shredding scissors?

Me: I just need to cut off this thread.

Mother: Then get the sewing scissors. They're in my sewing box in the closet in the office. Just open the top and they're in the second compartment on the left, next to that cute pincushion you made for me in Brownies.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, whatever your kind! 

*a Scribbles holiday repeat!


Tuesday, April 18

Opposite Me*

Opposite Me... is tan.

Opposite Me... drives an open-top Jeep. It is outdoorsy green. And always open. In order to carry her bike. Or her board. 

Opposite Me... looks good wet. Out of the shower. Or at the pool. Or at the beach. Especially at the beach.

Opposite Me... is luminous in direct sunlight. (See: Tan and Beach)

Opposite Me... wears sunglasses only to look cute. And to hold back her maintenance-free wind hair. Not because the bright light makes her squint like a mole. 

Opposite Me... is spontaneous. Her license plate says LETSGO. It is on her outdoorsy green open-top Jeep.

Opposite Me... can pack for an entire weekend in a ZipLoc bag. And will be prepared for dancing, hiking, swimming, the Farmers Market, and cocktails. 

Opposite Me... has a tattoo. (see: Spontaneous)

Opposite Me...  laughs in the face of gravity. Without the aid of underwires or duct tape.

Opposite Me... loves to watch the sunrise. Without coffee. Or makeup.

Opposite Me... looks cute in hats. Any hats. But doesn't need them because she has wind hair. (see: Open-top Jeep and Sunglasses)

Opposite Me... entertains. On the spur of the moment. And enjoys it. 

Opposite Me... is lucky she isn't real. I'd have to choke her. 

*A Maximus favorite!


Saturday, January 21

Adventures in Doggysitting

Me:  I'm heading to the grocery. I'll be back in a little while.

Hubby:  I think I'm just going to work in the yard. I'll let the dogs stay out with me.

Me:  Just be sure to keep an eye on them or put their fencing collars on so they stay in the yard. 

Hubby:  Um hmm...


Hubby: You're back! I'll help you bring in the groceries.

Me:  Why are the dogs in the garage? 

Hubby: They were outside with me.

Me:  But they're all wet.

Hubby: Oh. Right. They... went on a little adventure. 

Me:  They were supposed to be in the yard with you.

Hubby: They were! And then they weren't. 

Me:  You're the parent whose toddler ends up on the neighbor's front porch naked with a Tootsie Pop stuck to its face, aren't you? 

Hubby:  The dogs aren't sticky. 

Me:  And that is your defense...

Hubby:  Oooh, look! You got cupcakes!

Friday, May 25

Summer Vacation: A Tale of Two Meanings


[vey-key-shuhn, vuh-] noun
a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity,usually used 
for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday: Schoolchildren are 
on vacation now.

Chapter 1

Mom:  School's out! Get your suits on and let's go to the pool!

Kids:  Why are you at the bus stop, Mommy?

Chapter 2

Dad:  Are you enjoying your summer reading, guys?

Minimus:  We just got out of school yesterday, Dad.

Dad:  Well, it's never too early to get started on it. 

Maximus:  We couldn't go to the bookstore to get our books because Mommy took us to the 

Chapter 3

Dad:  So, what do you both hope to accomplish this summer? Let's look at 
         your lists!

Minimus:  See? I told you he'd ask about The Lists already.

Maximus:  But it's just the first week of summer vacation! 

Dad:  If you don't have a plan, then before you know it the summer will be over and you 
        won't have anything to show for it.

Kids:  We tried to write our lists but they got wet when Mommy took us to the pool.

Chapter 4

Dad:  Have you been working on your college essay, Minimus?

Minimus:  Dad, I'm 11.

Dad:  That doesn't mean you can't be thinking of some themes. 

Minimus:  I suppose I could work on it at the pool. 

Chapter 5

Dad:  How are your summer activities coming, kids? Did you organize your Habitat build 

Kids:  We wanted to work on our "Wells for Alagongua" project but Mommy took us to
          the pool.


Tuesday, May 8

Oasis of Tidy: A Fairy Tale

Me:  Wendy* is coming over in the morning so could you and the dogs, um...

Hubby:  Vanish?

Me:  You know the house doesn't stay tidy for more than 3 minutes when you're all in it. 

Hubby:  Are you saying we're messy?

Me:  Yes, Hansel, that's what I'm saying. If only your debris trail was bread crumbs, then the dogs could clean up after you.

Hubby:  I'll tidy up before I go to work.

Me:  Thanks. I just want it to be nice. You know how Wendy's house is a lovely oasis of organization and charm.

Hubby:  I think our house is an oasis.

Me:  After a sand storm.

Hubby:  Or a fur storm!

Me:  Not funny.

Hubby:  Hey, our house is great.

Me:  You don't even see the mess. You could live in a yurt.

Hubby:  My feelings, and I know I speak for the pets as well, are wounded.

Me:  Just don't bleed on the carpet. Wendy's coming.

*Names have not been changed to give credit where credit is due.


Monday, April 30

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (The Series) Part 3

Maybe your dog should have eaten your homework. 

No, I won't tweet you what you missed. 

Did you check the class website? Yes, there's a class website.  Since the first week.  I know it's 
the last week.  No, it wasn't a "secret website".  Yes, it's too late to drop. 

Late:  /lāt/  (adjective): Coming after the time when due. Doing something or taking place after the 
          expected, proper, or usual time. 

That burning smell is probably your spell checker.

Did you bring your hard copy? Oh, you emailed it... 

This is why there are helmet laws. 

And to the other 99% of my students--Thank you!


Thursday, April 12

If You're Happy and You Know It*

Hubby: Come take this "Happiness Quiz" in the Southwest Airlines magazine. I filled mine out on the plane and I want to see how you score.

Me: You are so competitive.

Hubby: Me?! You even compare our blood work after our physicals.

Me: That is not the least bit odd.

Hubby: Okay, I'll read you the questions and you answer them using the scale 1: not at all like me to 5: extremely like me. Ready?

Me: Oh, fine. But I'm a happy person and we both know it.

Hubby: Just answer the questions! Okay--"I have more good days than bad days."

Me: Five.

Hubby: "I matter to other people."

Me: Five

Hubby: "I enjoy things every day."

Me: Five

Hubby: You can't just answer "Five" for every question! That's not happy, that's delusional. 

Me: Why? What did you answer for that one?

Hubby: "Two."

Me: "Two" ? You have got to be kidding. And you wonder why I say you're a "glass is half empty" person. 

Hubby: But I said "Four" to "I take time for leisure activities".

Me: I would hope so since your day to day existence appears to be less than satisfactory.

Hubby: YOU don't take time for leisure activities.

Me: Who has the time? I'm too busy making myself happy and obviously spending futile hours trying to make you happy as well. Was Eeyore a role model for you as a child?

Hubby: Very funny. Just finish answering the questions.

Me: Two. Four. Five. Five. Five. 

Hubby: Okay, let me add up your score. See? I knew it! You score in the "I Want Whatever She's Having" category.

Me: You know I live in my own Happy Land and it's very enjoyable there.

Hubby: I want to live in Happy Land, too. I can be more like Tigger.

Me: I know you can, honey. You just need to choke your inner Eeyore to death first. Then picture two Tiggers running joyously through Happy Land together. See? Isn't it fun there?

Hubby: Um... On second thought, maybe someone needs to stay home, and by "home" I mean "In touch with reality".

Me: Fine. No Eeyores allowed in Happy Land anyway. Didn't you see the sign?

*a Scribbles Hubby favorite

Friday, March 30

Witty Comeback

Hubby:  Hey, what's up with your blog?

Me: You read my blog?

Hubby:  You haven't made fun of me in almost two months.

Me:  It isn't nice to pick on the infirm.

Hubby:  Now there's a word you don't hear every day!

Me:  But when I've been seeing it before my very eyes...

Hubby:  You're referring to my recent back problems I assume?

Me:  Never knowing which character you would be each day? Frankenstein, Walter Brennan, Kevin Costner in "The Big Chill"... 

Hubby:  I wasn't dead!

Me:  But you did just lie there on a number of occasions.

Hubby:  I prefer to think of it as suffering in quiet dignity, like Gary Cooper in "The Pride of the Yankees".

Me:  But that's just not funny. 

Hubby:  Maybe you could write something kind and sympathetic for a change?

Me:  Aaand....he's back!

Hubby:  Punny.

Me:  See?!


Friday, January 6

A Note to January

Dearest January,
   Just a little note to tell you how happy I am that you've arrived. After the chaos that we call the holidays you are absolute calendar perfection! Thirty-one blissfully empty little squares to fill with soup making, time by the fireplace, even a little organizing. Sadly, some find you boring. You are not one of those pushy months that shoves events at us nonstop, but a quieter month that requires some effort. Many would argue that this effort is primarily spent on snow removal. Weather issues do tend to overshadow your more subtle charms, but charming you can be. So again, thrilled to have you back!

Monday, December 12

Twinkle Twinkle*

                  Day One
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blow drying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!



                  Day Two
Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. Those lights take days you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 

                                                      Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work) Why were the Christmas lights on when I left for work this morning?

Me: Perhaps you didn't explain to them the meaning of 'dusk'?      
                                                       Day Four
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!




*a favorite holiday Scribble 

Saturday, December 3

I Married a Christmas Elf (Episode 1)*

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument. Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. The kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up.

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: The scraps can have a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?

*a favorite holiday Scribble

Tuesday, November 1

Held for Questioning

Entering Aging Maroon:

Me: Just need some t-shirts for Minimus and I'll take a quick look at the sweaters.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Yikes, that music. 


Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: That isn't music.


Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Will that song never end?!


Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Eeeee NAH nah NAH....  Ack! It's like musical water torture! I'll buy these t-shirts and just go.

Cashier (to customer ahead in line):  Welcome to Aging Maroon! Did you find everything you were looking for today?  

Customer: Yes I did. 

Cashier: Did you scratch off your "FlyMeToThe'Roon" card? You could save up to 5%. 

Customer: Of course!

Cashier: Would you like to save 10% and open an Aging Maroon card today?

Customer: No, thank you.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Cashier: Will you be using your Aging Maroon Love the 'Roon Special Shopper Card today?

Customer: Yes, but I don't have it with me.

Me: (Oh, good grief.)  

Cashier: No problem! I'll just look you up! .....   Name on the account? ....   There you are! ... Can I have your email address so you can receive multiple notifications a day about our special offers? Oh, I see you're using one of our e-roonpons! Let me just scan that...  Okay, your total is $87.43.

Me: (Finally.)  

Cashier: Would you like to become a member of our Socka'Roony Frequent Buyer Club? Buy 27 and 1/2 pairs of socks and get the 28th sock free! You get a punch card.

Me: (Don't think about punching. Don't think about punching.)

Cashier: I'm sorry, but your credit card won't scan. May I please see your driver's license?

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: (For the love of....!!) 

Cashier: I'm going to have to take an imprint of your card since it won't scan. Hm, where is that imprinter thingy.....?  Shari, do you have the imprinter thingy?.... Here we go! ... There. Now what is your home phone number and address? .... Do you have a cell number?.... And let me put your driver's license number here at the bottom.... 

Me: GAH! Are you kidding me?!!  She's buying some clothes, not adopting a child!


Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Sunday, October 30

Happy Halloween! 

From our house to yours!

Thursday, October 20

Mixed Priorities or "The Raccoon Tale"*

Hubby: I'm going to Home Depot to get a replacement for the drain cover in our shower.

Me: Wha..? Might I ask why the shower drain cover would be a priority for today?

Hubby: Because it's all cruddy and gross.

Me: Ohh, I forgot. Today is Reverse Priority Day! Isn't that where we start at the bottom of our to-do list and work our way up to the things that actually matter?

Hubby: What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are about 749 other things that need to be taken care of before I would even THINK of replacing that shower drain cover. 

Hubby: What would you rather I do today, then?

Me: I thought you might want to get rid of the dead raccoon in the middle of the kitchen floor, for starters.

Hubby: I hadn't noticed that. 

Me: Clearly. I decided to just leave it there and wait to see how long it took for you to stop stepping over it and pick it up. Yet you notice the shower drain cover.

Hubby: Yep. Well, I'm heading out. Anything else you want me to pick up?

Me: Just the raccoon.

*A Scribbles Hubby Favorite!

Tuesday, October 11

Fun at the Grocery Store*

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Hey Mrs.Crayon.  ..scan..scan..

This does not impress me. Calling me by my name does not make me feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. He only knows me because he has scanned my Extra Super Special Customer card and, frankly, I find this a little creepy.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Did you find everything you were, like, looking for today?  ..scan..scan..

Me: Actually, no. I was looking for creamed squirrel and you're either out of it or you don't carry it. I couldn't find any.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Oh, I'm sorry. ..scan..scan.. 

Me: That's it?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Paper or plastic? ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  Aren't you going to ask anyone? The specialty small animal manager? Ask someone to check in the back? Maybe you just haven't put it out yet. I know it's early for some of the seasonal items. 

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  I don't think we carry crushed squirrel. I've never seen it.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  It's not... Maybe you just didn't notice. The can is pretty small.  

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..  I could ask Todd.  ..scan..scan..  But he's at lunch.

Me: Probably eating the last of my creamed squirrel...

Register Guy:  Did you look with the little canned stuff like Underwood Deviled Ham? ..scan..scan..  Dude, that stuff is gross.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me: So if you're not going to do anything about it why do you always ask?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Because Todd makes us.   ..scan..scan..   So you'll feel like an Extra Super Special Customer.  ..scan..scan...

Me:  Right now I just feel like an Annoyed Extra Super Special Customer. Without her creamed squirrel.  

Register Guy:  ..ching..  Do you have any coupons?

Me: Just for creamed squirrel. 

Register Guy:  ..ching..  That'll be $147.63. Hey, you saved $0.12 with your Extra Super Special Shopper card!  And sorry about your chipmunk mousse, or whatever, Mrs. Carbon.

*a Scribbles rerun

Tuesday, October 4

It's Reunion Time Again!

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!.*
To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  



     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)
     ___Lament (opt)

            ___No actual UV (Why do you think this category is so long?)
     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)
     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

     ___Brush ( x10)
     ___Actually Floss
            ___Toothpaste $
            ___Strips $$
            ___Dentist $$$

     ___Diet and Exercise 
     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)

     ___Something Cute
            ___Warm weather
                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)
                   ___No cleavage?
            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)
     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

     ___A perfect hands-free bag
     ___Small album containing photos of:
            ___Adorable family
            ___Cute pets
            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.
     ___Husband (opt) 


For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 
You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 
                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)

*a Scribbles rerun

Monday, September 26

Being That Parent: A Guide (Chapter 1)

Being That Parent: A Guide 

 Provides parent-proven tips guaranteed to turn any parent, however well meaning,
into That Parent. Simply choose a suggestion from the list 
and be amazed how quickly you, too, can become That Parent

Tip #1  Everyone Loves the Spotlight

1. Notice your child's ___. 
    (You may choose from the following or select something from your own child)
          -endearing and/or quirky habit
          -cute freckles, blemishes, adorably tiny earlobes, honky Uncle Lester laugh
          -lack of (muscles, boobs, facial hair, math skills)
          -overabundance of (hair product, enthusiasm for Greek tragedy, glitter eyeshadow,      
            passion for Justin Bieber)

2. Be sure to comment on it.

3. To them.

4. At the game/parent-teacher conference/recital/Justin Bieber concert meet and greet.

5. In front of their friends. And Justin Bieber.

Tip #2    "It's Not My Party and I'll Ground You If I Want To"

Punish your child for their latest infraction by forbidding them to attend the birthday party tomorrow that you RSVP'd to three weeks ago. You will become not only That Parent to your child, but to the parents of the birthday child as well. 

Tip #3    "No Food for You!"   -The Food Nazi

Only have healthy foods in your home. No exceptions. If it has to be washed, chopped, cooked or killed prior to eating all the better. This will assure A) your children and their friends will go to someone else's house and B) they won't be eating the fancy, organic groceries you just spent a fortune on at Whole Foods. 

Please join us next month for another chapter of Being That Parent: A Guide 
when we discuss  "My Car, My Music": That Parent Behind the Wheel.  

Being That Parent welcomes contributions from readers for future chapters of the Guide!


Tuesday, September 13

Why Shopping is Annoying Reason #73

Clerk: Hi! Welcome to ShopRags! Are you looking for anything special today? 

Me: Oh, hi Mincy. 

Clerk: My name's Mincy! Let me know if I can help you with anything!

Me: I know who...  Right. Actually I just came in...

Clerk: Did you see the fabulous Indian blanket sweater coat with the fur sleeves and trim?! 

Me: Mincy, I'm still in the doorway.

Clerk: Come on! Let me show you!

Me: It's 87 degrees outside. Who would even think of buying something like that yet?

Clerk: Ohhhh looook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XL?

Me: They're gone already? That is incredible.

Clerk: Seriously, I think you could wear the XL. We'll just add this amazing snakeskin belt...

Me: No, Mincy, I just meant that it's still so hot outside...

Clerk: Don't be sad! I'll call another store! We have free shipping to your house if the item weighs less than 40 lbs. Oh. Maybe I should weigh it.

Me: Please don't bother. I only came in to...

Clerk: It's no bother! Or maybe you'd like this other sweater coat with triple leather and faux ocelot. Ohhhh loook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XS?

Me: They're gone, too? I can't believe it.

Clerk: Now you're sad.

Me: Really, it's fine. I didn't come in to buy a Sasquatch sweater coat. I just needed some grey tights.

Clerk: Yay! We have LOTS of those! Let's just get them and I'll ring you up.

Me: Thanks Mincy. 

Clerk: That will be $15.27. Was anyone helping you today?


Friday, September 2

Model Behavior

A former supermodel lives nearby. At the height of her career 
she looked like this.

Currently she looks like this.

We see one another on our walks.

When she walks her baby she looks like this.

When I walk my dog I look like this.

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