Monday, November 29

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter 2)

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument! Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog now that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing more anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?!

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. And the kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up. 'Happy Holidays from Our Gross House to Yours'? 

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: Oh! How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: We'll use scraps with a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?

Tuesday, November 23

Happy Thanksgiving to All Kinds

Ahh, Thanksgiving. The time when Hubby gets to spend a week among his own kind. And our kinds could not be more different.
Hubby:  Mom, where are the scissors?

Mom: Scissors? Oh, I don't know, Dear. Just use something else.

Hubby: You can't just sub-in any old utensil for scissors. Their functionality is pretty specific.

Mom: Just get something out of the knife drawer.

Hubby: Mom! Someone could lose a limb just opening that thing! I'll go buy you some new scissors. Where are your keys?

Mom: Keys? Oh, I don't know, Dear. 

I, on the other hand, grew up in a home whose motto is A Place For Everything AND IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE THERE!

Me: Mother, where are the scissors?

Mother: Do you need the kitchen ones, the office ones, the sewing ones, the everyday ones, or the ones in the garage? Or do you need the pinking shears or the shredding scissors?

Me: I just need to cut off this thread.

Mother: Then get the sewing scissors. They're in my sewing box in the closet in the office. Just open the top and they're in the second compartment on the left, next to that cute pincushion you made for me in Brownies.


Sunday, November 21

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)

Yes, that's a stupid question. Teachers say there is no such thing, but they're lying.

Of course we didn't do anything important the day you were absent.

 Let me introduce Mr. MLA and Ms. APA.  I see you haven't met. 

 Have you recently received a blow to
 the head? 

I notice "Typos" is your native language.


Thursday, November 18

Fun at the Grocery Store

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. Hi Mrs. Crayon. ..scan..scan..

This does not impress me. Calling me by my name does not make me feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. He only knows me because he has scanned my Extra Super Special Customer card and, frankly, I find it a little creepy. Sometimes I just want to ask "What's my cup size?!" and see if he'll be so startled that he'll actually blurt out "32C!" That little piece of plastic tells them everything.

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..Did you find everything you were looking for today? ..scan..scan..

Me: Actually, no. I was looking for creamed squirrel and you're either out of it or you don't carry it. I couldn't find any.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. Oh, I'm sorry about that. ..scan..scan..

Me:  That's it? Aren't you going to ask someone? The creamed animal manager? Ask someone to check in the back? Maybe you just haven't put it out yet. I know it's still early for some of the seasonal items. 

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. I don't think we carry that. I've never seen it. ..scan..scan..

Me:  Maybe you just didn't notice. The can is pretty small. So if you're not going to do anything about it why do you always ask?

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..Because they make us. ..scan..scan..So you'll feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. ..scan..scan... 

Me:  Right now I just feel like an Annoyed Extra Super Special Customer. Without her creamed squirrel. 

Register Guy: ..ching.. Do you have any coupons?

Me: Just for creamed squirrel. 


Monday, November 15

Then...and Now

Then:  Barbie and her disproportionate ilk, along with their assortment of tiny pink choking hazards, will never darken our door. 

Now:  Approximately 112 Barbies and her disproportionate ilk, along with their assortment of tiny pink choking hazards-and vehicles!-currently reside somewhere in this house. (Some heads sold separately.)

 Favorite then and now moment? So...many...


Wednesday, November 10

That's Just Super

Me: Hey, Honey. Let's get together with the Friendskys this weekend. That would be super fun!

Hubby: You have to stop saying 'super'.

Me: Wha..? I don't say..

Hubby:  Yes. You do.

 Me: No, I don't. You're just being super critical.

Hubby: Um...?

Me: Oh. Well, when something is 'extra' it's a better word! There is a reason Clark Kent didn't turn into 'Extraman'.

Hubby: Don't bring superheroes into this. I'm just saying. 

Me: Geez. It must be super annoying to you.

Hubby: It is.

Me:You still didn't answer me about this weekend. I think it would be super fun! Honey?

Tuesday, November 9

Parts (of Speech)

My body is being attacked by prepositions. Various parts are experiencing an insidious wanderlust. If something isn't heading down, it's squinching up. Others are sinking in or sprouting out, folding over or flapping under. I don't know where they think they're going. Much more of this and I'll look like a Picasso. I want my adjectives back!

Which adjectives do you miss? New ones you love?

Sunday, November 7

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter One)

Hubby: (whispering to Maximus) Want to watch Mommy go insane?

Maximus: Sure!

Hubby: (to me) You know, if we started putting up the Christmas decorations Sunday I wouldn't get tired of them.

Thursday, November 4

Where the Wild Thing Is

Heading out!
Coming home...
We all deserve a Doggy Day Out sometimes. 

Tuesday, November 2

Give Thanks for November

Now Showing! November vs. Monthra
Watch December consume everything in its path!
Let's show November some love!

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