Thursday, March 31

The Road to Hell...

Good Intention: My children will not wear those tacky clothes with cartoon characters on them.

Result: But this new outfit will look so cute on you! And it has a matching headband! No, not the Little Mermaid dress again. Because you've already worn it three days in a row and you smell like I keep you in a box in the attic. I know the new dress doesn't have a picture. No, that doesn't make it yucky. Where is what? The Beauty and the Beast dress is in the clothes hamper. Yes, still. Come back here!  Get out of the dirty clothes! If you wear the new outfit I'll let you wear your Cinderella shoes. Yes, with those sparkle socks. Wait. I thought all your sparkle socks were in the hamper...?


Thursday, March 24

Let's Keep Shaggy Out of This

Previously, spending an hour getting ready resulted in this.

Currently, spending an hour getting ready results in this.

I don't like where this is going.

Wednesday, March 16

Lip Lockout

Cosmetics Clerk: Hi! May I help you?

Me: Yes, please. I wanted to pick up your new lipstick. The one featured in the latest issue of You Will Never Look Like This But It Can't Hurt To Try.

Cosmetics Clerk: Ooh, the yummy pink one?

Me: Yes! That one!

Cosmetics Clerk: We're all out. Sorry.

Me: How could you be out already? I just received my issue this week. 

Cosmetics Clerk: Those special seasonal colors go really fast. 

Me: I understand that, but the color is called Summer Fun. 

Cosmetic Clerk: A perfect name, don't you think? Perfect shade, perfect name.

Me: A perfect name for a lipstick that should be available for the SUMMER! It's barely the Ides of March and already I can't get it.

Cosmetics Clerk: The Ides of March? I don't think we have that either.

Me: No, the Ides of..  never mind.  Do you have a color similar to Summer Fun?

Cosmetics Clerk: Probably not. It was super pretty.

Me: Fine. I'll just get a tube of your LashMeToTheBedpost mascara. 

Cosmetics Clerk: We discontinued that. Sorry. 

Me: You are kidding me. Then I'll take one of those SeeSpotRun touch up sticks. I love those.

Cosmetics Clerk: Great! Oh, no...  I only have the touch up stick in Coal Miner #23 and Casper #1. You could probably get away with the Casper...

Me: Do you ever actually have any products to sell at this counter?
Cosmetics Clerk: That super pretty special seasonal lipstick called Summer Fun sold like crazy!

Wednesday, March 9

Teaching is... Surprising

Me: The last round of speeches...yak, yak, yak...and some delivery issues we need to... blah, blah, blah... and everyone on the first day... yap, yap, yap...

(They aren't listening to a thing I'm saying. They all seem so distracted.)

Me: And for my next trick I will balance this chair on my head while I dance naked in a pile of flaming rags.

(Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What is with them today?)

Me: Okay, what is with all of you today?

Student R: Oh, we're sorry! We've been watching a spider go up and down from the ceiling. And as you move around, sometimes you're standing under it and sometimes you're not. 

Me: Fabulous. A spider is more interesting than I am today.

Student C: No problem. We can't see it anymore. 

Me: Good! Hopefully now....

Student J: Because it's in your hair. 


Friday, March 4

...robe Malfunction

Me: Before we watch TV just let me get my robe.

Hubby: The fuzzy blue one?

Me: Yes, why?

Hubby: Oh, nothing.

Me:  What? You know it's my favorite robe! And it's so warm!

Hubby: And it's also starting to look like Dan Ackroyd's Santa suit in Trading Places.

Me: It is not!

Hubby: I bet if you reach far enough into the pocket you can pull out some smoked trout.

Me: That is disgusting.

Hubby: As is that robe.

Me: Noooo! Maybe an extra wash in OxiClean and a fluff in the dryer?

Hubby: Maybe a good dousing with gasoline and a match?

Me: That would be cruel. It's been such a loyal companion...

Hubby: We'll get you a new companion. Wouldn't you like a new companion? 

Me: Well... I suppose. But where will you go?  

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