Twinkle Twinkle*

                                           

                  Day One

Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blow drying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!

Maximus: I'M NOT IN THERE ANYMORE!

Me: JUST GO PUSH IT!

                  
                                         
  
                  Day Two

Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. Those lights take days you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 

                                                      Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work) Why were the Christmas lights on when I left for work this morning?

Me: Perhaps you didn't explain to them the meaning of 'dusk'?      
 
                                                       Day Four
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!

Me: KIDS! THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ON! QUICK! COME DOWN AND SEE!

Maximus: IN A MINUTE! I JUST HAVE TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!

image/christmaslightsetc 

*a favorite holiday Scribble 

I Married a Christmas Elf (Episode 1)*

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument. Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. The kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up.

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: The scraps can have a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?
 

image/nalcbranch193
*a favorite holiday Scribble

Held for Questioning

Entering Aging Maroon:

Me: Just need some t-shirts for Minimus and I'll take a quick look at the sweaters.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Yikes, that music. 

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: That isn't music.

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Will that song never end?!

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Eeeee NAH nah NAH....  Ack! It's like musical water torture! I'll buy these t-shirts and just go.

Cashier (to customer ahead in line):  Welcome to Aging Maroon! Did you find everything you were looking for today?  

Customer: Yes I did. 

Cashier: Did you scratch off your "FlyMeToThe'Roon" card? You could save up to 5%. 

Customer: Of course!
. 
Cashier: Would you like to save 10% and open an Aging Maroon card today?

Customer: No, thank you.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Cashier: Will you be using your Aging Maroon Love the 'Roon Special Shopper Card today?

Customer: Yes, but I don't have it with me.

Me: (Oh, good grief.)  

Cashier: No problem! I'll just look you up! .....   Name on the account? ....   There you are! ... Can I have your email address so you can receive multiple notifications a day about our special offers? Oh, I see you're using one of our e-roonpons! Let me just scan that...  Okay, your total is $87.43.

Me: (Finally.)  

Cashier: Would you like to become a member of our Socka'Roony Frequent Buyer Club? Buy 27 and 1/2 pairs of socks and get the 28th sock free! You get a punch card.

Me: (Don't think about punching. Don't think about punching.)

Cashier: I'm sorry, but your credit card won't scan. May I please see your driver's license?

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: (For the love of....!!) 

Cashier: I'm going to have to take an imprint of your card since it won't scan. Hm, where is that imprinter thingy.....?  Shari, do you have the imprinter thingy?.... Here we go! ... There. Now what is your home phone number and address? .... Do you have a cell number?.... And let me put your driver's license number here at the bottom.... 

Me: GAH! Are you kidding me?!!  She's buying some clothes, not adopting a child!

Silence.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

image/alphabetbags

Mixed Priorities or "The Raccoon Tale"*

Hubby: I'm going to Home Depot to get a replacement for the drain cover in our shower.

Me: Wha..? Might I ask why the shower drain cover would be a priority for today?

Hubby: Because it's all cruddy and gross.

Me: Ohh, I forgot. Today is Reverse Priority Day! Isn't that where we start at the bottom of our to-do list and work our way up to the things that actually matter?

Hubby: What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are about 749 other things that need to be taken care of before I would even THINK of replacing that shower drain cover. 

Hubby: What would you rather I do today, then?

Me: I thought you might want to get rid of the dead raccoon in the middle of the kitchen floor, for starters.

Hubby: I hadn't noticed that. 

Me: Clearly. I decided to just leave it there and wait to see how long it took for you to stop stepping over it and pick it up. Yet you notice the shower drain cover.

Hubby: Yep. Well, I'm heading out. Anything else you want me to pick up?

Me: Just the raccoon.


*A Scribbles Hubby Favorite!
image/theanimalprintshop

Fun at the Grocery Store*

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Hey Mrs.Crayon.  ..scan..scan..

This does not impress me. Calling me by my name does not make me feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. He only knows me because he has scanned my Extra Super Special Customer card and, frankly, I find this a little creepy.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Did you find everything you were, like, looking for today?  ..scan..scan..

Me: Actually, no. I was looking for creamed squirrel and you're either out of it or you don't carry it. I couldn't find any.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Oh, I'm sorry. ..scan..scan.. 

Me: That's it?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Paper or plastic? ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  Aren't you going to ask anyone? The specialty small animal manager? Ask someone to check in the back? Maybe you just haven't put it out yet. I know it's early for some of the seasonal items. 

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  I don't think we carry crushed squirrel. I've never seen it.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  It's not... Maybe you just didn't notice. The can is pretty small.  

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..  I could ask Todd.  ..scan..scan..  But he's at lunch.

Me: Probably eating the last of my creamed squirrel...

Register Guy:  Did you look with the little canned stuff like Underwood Deviled Ham? ..scan..scan..  Dude, that stuff is gross.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me: So if you're not going to do anything about it why do you always ask?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Because Todd makes us.   ..scan..scan..   So you'll feel like an Extra Super Special Customer.  ..scan..scan...

Me:  Right now I just feel like an Annoyed Extra Super Special Customer. Without her creamed squirrel.  

Register Guy:  ..ching..  Do you have any coupons?

Me: Just for creamed squirrel. 

Register Guy:  ..ching..  That'll be $147.63. Hey, you saved $0.12 with your Extra Super Special Shopper card!  And sorry about your chipmunk mousse, or whatever, Mrs. Carbon.

*a Scribbles rerun
image/thedailygreen

Being That Parent: A Guide (Chapter 1)

Being That Parent: A Guide 

 Provides parent-proven tips guaranteed to turn any parent, however well meaning,

into That Parent. Simply choose a suggestion from the list 

and be amazed how quickly you, too, can become That Parent. 

Tip #1  Everyone Loves the Spotlight

1. Notice your child's ___. 

    (You may choose from the following or select something from your own child)

          -endearing and/or quirky habit

          -cute freckles, blemishes, adorably tiny earlobes, honky Uncle Lester laugh

          -lack of (muscles, boobs, facial hair, math skills)

          -overabundance of (hair product, enthusiasm for Greek tragedy, glitter eyeshadow,      
            passion for Justin Bieber)

2. Be sure to comment on it.

3. To them.

4. At the game/parent-teacher conference/recital/Justin Bieber concert meet and greet.

5. In front of their friends. And Justin Bieber.

Tip #2    "It's Not My Party and I'll Ground You If I Want To"

Punish your child for their latest infraction by forbidding them to attend the birthday party tomorrow that you RSVP'd to three weeks ago. You will become not only That Parent to your child, but to the parents of the birthday child as well. 

Tip #3    "No Food for You!"   -The Food Nazi

Only have healthy foods in your home. No exceptions. If it has to be washed, chopped, cooked or killed prior to eating all the better. This will assure A) your children and their friends will go to someone else's house and B) they won't be eating the fancy, organic groceries you just spent a fortune on at Whole Foods. 

Please join us next month for another chapter of Being That Parent: A Guide 

when we discuss  "My Car, My Music": That Parent Behind the Wheel.  

Being That Parent welcomes contributions from readers for future chapters of the Guide!

 image/risabg    

Why Shopping is Annoying Reason #73

Clerk: Hi! Welcome to ShopRags! Are you looking for anything special today? 

Me: Oh, hi Mincy. 

Clerk: My name's Mincy! Let me know if I can help you with anything!

Me: I know who...  Right. Actually I just came in...

Clerk: Did you see the fabulous Indian blanket sweater coat with the fur sleeves and trim?! 

Me: Mincy, I'm still in the doorway.

Clerk: Come on! Let me show you!

Me: It's 87 degrees outside. Who would even think of buying something like that yet?

Clerk: Ohhhh looook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XL?

Me: They're gone already? That is incredible.

Clerk: Seriously, I think you could wear the XL. We'll just add this amazing snakeskin belt...

Me: No, Mincy, I just meant that it's still so hot outside...

Clerk: Don't be sad! I'll call another store! We have free shipping to your house if the item weighs less than 40 lbs. Oh. Maybe I should weigh it.

Me: Please don't bother. I only came in to...

Clerk: It's no bother! Or maybe you'd like this other sweater coat with triple leather and faux ocelot. Ohhhh loook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XS?

Me: They're gone, too? I can't believe it.

Clerk: Now you're sad.

Me: Really, it's fine. I didn't come in to buy a Sasquatch sweater coat. I just needed some grey tights.

Clerk: Yay! We have LOTS of those! Let's just get them and I'll ring you up.

Me: Thanks Mincy. 

Clerk: That will be $15.27. Was anyone helping you today?


image/furinsider 

Model Behavior

A former supermodel lives nearby. At the height of her career 
she looked like this.

Currently she looks like this.

We see one another on our walks.












 

When she walks her baby she looks like this.

When I walk my dog I look like this.

image/victorfuste

image/per-web

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Everyone: What a beautiful day!

Me: Finally we can have the windows open and let in some fresh air!

Neighbor A:  Might as well put the sealant on the driveway this morning.

Neighbor B:  Oh, dear. I think I left the dog outside. I hope he doesn't bark while I'm at work.

Neighbor C:  Let's burn something!

Neighbor D:  If I start pressure washing the deck by 7 AM  I can hopefully finish by dark. 

Neighbor E:  We're recording some music for a Toyota commercial over here in the driveway
                    today. 'No! The tubas go back by the fig tree!' Just wanted to let you know.*

Neighbor F: Good thing I borrowed that manure spreader from Cliff.
  
Neighbor G:  Honey, have you seen the chainsaw?

*Morses, we miss you! 

image/saturday evening post

Just Call Me Dr. Frankenstein

 Me: I just need to pick up some body wash and then we can check out.

Maximus:  Which one are you getting? 

Me: I don't know. Let's just smell some and decide. Oooh, this one is nice!

Maximus: It's also $9! Just get the Suave. It's $1.93.
 
Me: Ew. It won't smell good.  

Maximus: It smells fine. See? 

Me: Try this one! It smells like grapefruit-yum! 

Maximus:You won't be eating it! And it's $10! Just get the Suave.

Me: When did you become Ms. Frugal?

Maximus: I'm in college now, remember?

Me: Smell this one. Ginger and honeysuckle! Very nice. And only $7.

Maximus: Just get the Suave.

Me: Who are you?

Maximus: I'm the one who'll end up explaining to you why you don't get to live in Sunset Villas but have to reside at Uncle Budell's Senior Care and Mini Golf because you chose to squander your money on $9 body wash. 

Me: I've created a monster.

Maximus: Here's your Suave. Let's go check out! I might even have a coupon....


image/flickrcocho_08

Summer Perfection

Do you recognize this family?

Neither do I.

image/divinedinnerparty

Let's Chat! Or Not.

Simultaneous Cell Phone Conversations

Me (to brother who just called): Oh, hi! No, it's fine. We're just in the car running around in Franklin. Picking up a pie at that great bakery. The cherry is amazing! Then probably hitting this funny shoe store we found. They have those boots you like. Yes, those! Another reason you guys need to come down! And it's beautiful here today. 
 
Hubby (to brother who just called): Hey! Not much. Doing a little running around.  

Me: What are you guys up to? Aah, I've always wanted to go there!  Remember when we tried to get everyone together that time....  Oh, that wasn't there. It was that other place. Are you taking the kids? Oh gosh, don't forget the stroller-and what about the twins? Really? They make those? Anyway, you guys will have so much fun! 

Hubby: Whatcha up to? Fun. Great course.

Me: Oh my gosh! You should see the old car that just drove...  Hey, are we going to that car show this year when we come to Ohio? That was so fun the last time! Okay. Just check to see when it is. Oh! The car that just drove by was fabulous! It was an old VW van, but it was this great aqua color on the bottom! Did they come in that color originally? They did? And the chrome looked like new! I know! Hardly ever. You would have loved it.  

Hubby: Nice! We just passed an old VW van
. 
Me: You probably need to get going. I'm sure we will. Have a great time today! Send some pics! And just call me about the car show. You, too! We'll talk later!

Hubby: Okay. Really? Sure. Later.


image/scalemodelnews

The Sound of Silence

I thought I wanted one of these:
 

Until I found this:

image/hilowbrow

image/furniturefashion

Summer Me

Summer Me: The Fantasy

Summer Me: The Reality 

image/advertisingarchives

image/ohgizmo

Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #127

These jackets are so cute! Just what I've been looking for. Let's see... Extra Small, Extra Small, Small, Small, Small, Large, Large, Large, Extra Large, Extra Large.  Hmm. No Mediums. There has to be a Medium...   shk, shk, shk, dammit, shk, shk...

Hey! This one's cute, too.Probably need a Large. It looks tiny...  Extra Small, Extra Small, Medium, Medium, Medium, Extra Large, Extra Large. What?! shk, shk, shk... Oh, for...Where are the skirts?
.
Oh, these are perfect! Not too short, not too long. Love this one! shk, shk.. 00, 0, 0, 2, 2, 6, 6, 8, 8, 10, 12. Where are the 4's? WHY AREN'T THERE ANY 4'S?!
  
     Me: Excuse me. Do you have any more of these skirts? I'd like to try one in a 4.

     Clerk: Let me check in the back. 

There is no back. This is official Clerk Speak for Maybe If I'm Gone Long Enough She'll Go Away.

Look at these cute sandals! Do they have an 8? There's a 7, 7, 7 1/2, 8 1/2, 9, 9. No 8.  Obviously my evil twin had some time to kill yesterday. 

     Clerk: I'm sorry but we don't have any more of those skirts. Is there anything else I can help you with? 

     Me: Do you have these sandals in an 8?

     Clerk: Aren't they cute?! We just put those out yesterday. Are the 8's gone already? That's a really popular size. They come in Tawny Puce, too. We have plenty of sizes in Tawny Puce.

     Me: I bet you do. But no, thank you.

     Clerk: Did you see these cute summer cardigans? Really interesting colors and we have lots!

     Me: I do like the blue one. I'd probably need a Medium.

     Clerk: Let me get one out of the stack for you. Oh. We must be out of Mediums in Mediterranean Sky . But here's a Medium in Tawny Puce! Oooh, and Rusty Goldenrod! And don't you just love this Burnt Mandarin?

     Me: Ah. "Dead Vegetation" cardigans.

     Clerk: No, I don't think that's who designed them. But aren't the colors AWESOME?!  Are you sure you wouldn't be a Large?

image/gettyimages

Raising the Towel Bar

Hubby (aka The Amazing Foldo): Is this a rag?

Me: No, I still use that towel. It's one of my favorites!

Hubby: It should be a rag. 

Me: But I like them when they get all broken in.

Hubby: Where does this blue towel go? 

Me: We got those blue towels as a wedding gift 20 years ago and you still don't know where they go?

Hubby: We got these blue towels as a wedding gift 20 years ago and you think the problem is that I still don't know where they go?

Me: What are you insinuating?

Hubby: What about these flowered ones? Rags.

Me: No! Those were Aunt Noni's. 

Hubby: You realize how old that makes these towels, don't you? No one knew who Elvis was when these were new. 

Me: You didn't put the dogwood pattern towels in the rags, did you? Mother and Dad got those when they were first married! I love those.

Hubby: You mean these sheer rectangles? These were towels? Why don't you use the new towels I bought? They're great!

Me: They're so fuzzy.

Hubby: Towels are supposed to be fuzzy! Clearly a concept  you are unacquainted with.

Me: Just let me fold the towels. You fold all those rags in that other basket.

Hubby: Rags?! Those are my gym clothes!

 image/readyaimlife

G(eewho'sresponsibleforthesefonts)mail

This is the default font for Gmail. It is incredibly small and unacceptable. So maybe this one? At least it's easier to see and it's the only one that doesn't get bold when it gets larger. The other fonts take it upon themselves to look like this. Like they're yelling!  Hm, I could use this one but it's bold-when-no-one-actually-told-it-to-be-bold, too. I like Tahoma. But see how small it gets on Normal? This is not normal. This is elfin. Then it goes to this. As if all my contacts need the large print edition. This font is nice, but this is the Large setting and it's so small! Must be the Starbucks font. And this is the next size up. You can read it from space!  Or this font, the Montana, where everything   is   very   far   apart. Seriously, who would use this assertive Hulk font? And this one? Oh, sure. Hahahaha! Gmail fonts are terrible. 

image/tackorama 

Mr. Twister

Me: What do you do with my seat belt?

Hubby: What?

Me: My seat belt. It's completely twisted around and the fuzzy shoulder thing is backward. It's next to impossible to intentionally adjust that fuzzy shoulder thing, so how do you do it?

Hubby: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I'm talking about the fact that you drove my car a total of 3 1/2 miles and managed to twist the seat belt into a mess.

Hubby: Just untwist it.

Me: I don't WANT to have to untwist it. I want to know what gyrations you go through to get it that way.

Hubby: I just put it on. 

Me: No, that would be what normal drivers do. Normal drivers simply grab, pull and click. You apparently do some type of Swahili Safety Dance before driving away. 

Hubby: If there was such a thing, you would be the one to do it. You even strap in the dog. Astronauts are less secured. 

Me: And imagine if you hooked her in. We'd never get her untangled. Trapped in her own little doggie sarcophagus. 

Hubby: You don't mean sarcophagus. More like a cocoon. Or The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Me: Funny.

Hubby:  Hey, let's get the Buzz Aldrin harness and she can ride with me to Home Depot. I'll take your car. 

image/volvoblog

Reunion Time

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!

To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  

-------------------------------------------------------------clip-out----------------------------------------------------------

REUNION CHECKLIST

HAIR                                                                            

     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Color

     ___Shave

     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)

     ___Pluck

     ___Lament (opt)

 SKIN

     ___Exfoliate

     ___Moisturize

     ___Tan

            ___Self

            ___Spray

            ___No actual UV (Why do you think this category is so long?)

     ___Plump

     ___Firm

     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)

     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

 NAILS

     ___Manicure

     ___Pedicure

     ___Obsess

     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

TEETH

     ___Brush ( x10)

     ___Actually Floss

     ___Whiten

            ___Toothpaste $

            ___Strips $$

            ___Dentist $$$

BODY 

     ___Diet

     ___Exercise

     ___Diet and Exercise 

     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)

     ___Spanx

CLOTHING

     ___Something Cute

            ___Warm weather

                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)

                   ___No cleavage?

            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)

     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous
            ___Comfy
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

ACCESSORIES

     ___A perfect hands-free bag

     ___Jewelry

     ___Camera

     ___Small album containing photos of:

            ___Adorable family

            ___Cute pets

            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.

     ___Husband (opt) 

--------------------------------------------------------clip-out-----------------------------------------------------------------

For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 

You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 

                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)

 image/flickr/cindyiscrafty

That's Questionable

Certain questions are only asked during particular phases of life: 

You left the baby at the petting zoo? 
A minivan?

 He needs a complete model of the solar system by when?

 You forgot you have a curfew?

Is that a real major? 

You're inviting how many guests to the wedding? 
A Porsche? 
A mother-in-law suite?

You left the grandbaby at the petting zoo?

An RV? 

 Will you look at all this grey? 

Bingo was last night?   

However, one question remains timeless:

Are you shitting me?

The Road to Hell...

Good Intention: My children will not wear those tacky clothes with cartoon characters on them.

Result: But this new outfit will look so cute on you! And it has a matching headband! No, not the Little Mermaid dress again. Because you've already worn it three days in a row and you smell like I keep you in a box in the attic. I know the new dress doesn't have a picture. No, that doesn't make it yucky. Where is what? The Beauty and the Beast dress is in the clothes hamper. Yes, still. Come back here!  Get out of the dirty clothes! If you wear the new outfit I'll let you wear your Cinderella shoes. Yes, with those sparkle socks. Wait. I thought all your sparkle socks were in the hamper...?



image/etsy