Tuesday, December 28

Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #67

This vanity sizing thing has to stop. Back in The Land That Time Forgot  I am a solid size 8. Now my lower half is a zero. A zero! Technically this means I'm invisible from the waist down. This is clearly not the case. Ask anyone who has attempted to navigate a grocery store aisle with me in it. What do the truly tiny wear? (I know-Do Not Cry for Them, Allsotinya.) Soon small clothing will need to be sized by powers of ten. Excuse me. Do you have this skirt in a 07? Trickery. Bah. But that soft pink dressing room lighting...


Tuesday, December 21

"Happy" Holidays

A mother obviously did not coin the term Happy Holidays.
A mother would have chosen a different adjective. 

Friday, December 17

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)

This semester has truly been the longest of my life. 

 You clearly didn't read the directions.  Yes, they're provided for each assignment. In your packet. The first day of class. There it is, that large stack of papers. It certainly wasn't that crumpled when I handed it out. 

Well, we've explored all the traditional learning styles and none seem to be working for you. No, Twitter is not yet considered a learning style. 

Yes, I'll still accept that assignment but you'll only receive partial credit. Because it was due in October. No, 'harsh' would be if I suggested that you live in a completely different space/time continuum than the rest of us and gave you a zero. Please say 'Hello' to Doc and Marty.

I'm sure there's a career where disorganization, an aversion to listening and the inability to proofread are prized skills.


Wednesday, December 8

Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

Christmas with the pets. Such a merry time. Not a creature is stirring because they're all at our house. 
The stockings are hung by the chimney with care and the Christmas tree is wired to the wall. 
The presents are wrapped and placed under the tree, except for Raggedy Ann whose head, tragically, was found spread around the family room.
The Christmas cookies are baked and displayed on their tray and will be hung from the ceiling to avoid a repeat of the Dog Eats Entire Tray of Christmas Cookies Debacle of 2008.
The nutcrackers are lined up on the hearth in the hope that the dogs will eat them, but they will not. 
The enticing smells of cinnamon and citrus, evergreen and clove strategically fill the house, and anyone with a cat knows why. Welcome to our home! Just grab a mask from the snowman basket. Can I get you a glass of wine?
The stuffed reindeer family is placed high on a shelf. The smallest one, Little No Eyes, tells the story.
The holiday candles will be enjoyed at the neighbors because nothing spoils the festivities quicker than a cat knocking over your candles and your exquisitely lit home going up in a ball of flame.
And yet the gifts of bones, treats and fuzzy mice will all be there on Christmas morning, next to the stockings, because apparently Santa doesn't put pets on the naughty list. 


Saturday, December 4

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter 3)

Here we go. I'm going to get the Christmas tubs out of the attic now! Time to tear the house to pieces and fill it with lots of red and green stuff. But I promise I'll only bring a few things down at a time! Lots and lots of red and green stuff. I went ahead and brought all the kitchen stuff down! And paper. And boxes and ribbon. I know you're still using your office so I'll just put some of the wrapping things in mine! And holly and reindeer and snowmen and lights. It won't all fit in mine. Can I just put some of it in yours? And jing jinglers, flu floopers, who wompers, blum bloopers. How about if I put all of the nutcrackers and golfing Santas together? What do you mean 'less obnoxious'?  Trum tupers, tar tinkers, slu slumkers, gar ginkers. Do you remember where we display the yule log candleholder Minimus made in Cub Scouts? Yes, we do. I am aware he's in college now. No, termites like damp wood. Our home is now Whoville. I need to be medicated. Just don't forget to put out my singing hamster!


Thursday, December 2

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)

No, there is not a chance you could still get an A. Your average is a 74. 

No, you may not do extra, extra credit.

Check your syllabus. Yes, we have a syllabus. The first day of class. It's a little late now. 

What part of  'a hard copy is required' didn't you understand? If I want some cute animal pictures or a recipe, those you can email to me. 

I am no longer accepting excuses that contain the word 'printer' or 'I didn't know'.  

No, it wasn't in my mailbox. Yes, I looked before class. No, that wasn't my box because that's not my name.  Yes, that is embarrassing. 

I hope Santa puts a stapler in your stocking.


Monday, November 29

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter 2)

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument! Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog now that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing more anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?!

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. And the kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up. 'Happy Holidays from Our Gross House to Yours'? 

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: Oh! How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: We'll use scraps with a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?

Tuesday, November 23

Happy Thanksgiving to All Kinds

Ahh, Thanksgiving. The time when Hubby gets to spend a week among his own kind. And our kinds could not be more different.
Hubby:  Mom, where are the scissors?

Mom: Scissors? Oh, I don't know, Dear. Just use something else.

Hubby: You can't just sub-in any old utensil for scissors. Their functionality is pretty specific.

Mom: Just get something out of the knife drawer.

Hubby: Mom! Someone could lose a limb just opening that thing! I'll go buy you some new scissors. Where are your keys?

Mom: Keys? Oh, I don't know, Dear. 

I, on the other hand, grew up in a home whose motto is A Place For Everything AND IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE THERE!

Me: Mother, where are the scissors?

Mother: Do you need the kitchen ones, the office ones, the sewing ones, the everyday ones, or the ones in the garage? Or do you need the pinking shears or the shredding scissors?

Me: I just need to cut off this thread.

Mother: Then get the sewing scissors. They're in my sewing box in the closet in the office. Just open the top and they're in the second compartment on the left, next to that cute pincushion you made for me in Brownies.


Sunday, November 21

What Teachers Wish They Could Say (the series)

Yes, that's a stupid question. Teachers say there is no such thing, but they're lying.

Of course we didn't do anything important the day you were absent.

 Let me introduce Mr. MLA and Ms. APA.  I see you haven't met. 

 Have you recently received a blow to
 the head? 

I notice "Typos" is your native language.


Thursday, November 18

Fun at the Grocery Store

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. Hi Mrs. Crayon. ..scan..scan..

This does not impress me. Calling me by my name does not make me feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. He only knows me because he has scanned my Extra Super Special Customer card and, frankly, I find it a little creepy. Sometimes I just want to ask "What's my cup size?!" and see if he'll be so startled that he'll actually blurt out "32C!" That little piece of plastic tells them everything.

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..Did you find everything you were looking for today? ..scan..scan..

Me: Actually, no. I was looking for creamed squirrel and you're either out of it or you don't carry it. I couldn't find any.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. Oh, I'm sorry about that. ..scan..scan..

Me:  That's it? Aren't you going to ask someone? The creamed animal manager? Ask someone to check in the back? Maybe you just haven't put it out yet. I know it's still early for some of the seasonal items. 

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan.. I don't think we carry that. I've never seen it. ..scan..scan..

Me:  Maybe you just didn't notice. The can is pretty small. So if you're not going to do anything about it why do you always ask?

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..Because they make us. ..scan..scan..So you'll feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. ..scan..scan... 

Me:  Right now I just feel like an Annoyed Extra Super Special Customer. Without her creamed squirrel. 

Register Guy: ..ching.. Do you have any coupons?

Me: Just for creamed squirrel. 


Monday, November 15

Then...and Now

Then:  Barbie and her disproportionate ilk, along with their assortment of tiny pink choking hazards, will never darken our door. 

Now:  Approximately 112 Barbies and her disproportionate ilk, along with their assortment of tiny pink choking hazards-and vehicles!-currently reside somewhere in this house. (Some heads sold separately.)

 Favorite then and now moment? So...many...


Wednesday, November 10

That's Just Super

Me: Hey, Honey. Let's get together with the Friendskys this weekend. That would be super fun!

Hubby: You have to stop saying 'super'.

Me: Wha..? I don't say..

Hubby:  Yes. You do.

 Me: No, I don't. You're just being super critical.

Hubby: Um...?

Me: Oh. Well, when something is 'extra' it's a better word! There is a reason Clark Kent didn't turn into 'Extraman'.

Hubby: Don't bring superheroes into this. I'm just saying. 

Me: Geez. It must be super annoying to you.

Hubby: It is.

Me:You still didn't answer me about this weekend. I think it would be super fun! Honey?

Tuesday, November 9

Parts (of Speech)

My body is being attacked by prepositions. Various parts are experiencing an insidious wanderlust. If something isn't heading down, it's squinching up. Others are sinking in or sprouting out, folding over or flapping under. I don't know where they think they're going. Much more of this and I'll look like a Picasso. I want my adjectives back!

Which adjectives do you miss? New ones you love?

Sunday, November 7

I Married a Christmas Elf (Chapter One)

Hubby: (whispering to Maximus) Want to watch Mommy go insane?

Maximus: Sure!

Hubby: (to me) You know, if we started putting up the Christmas decorations Sunday I wouldn't get tired of them.

Thursday, November 4

Where the Wild Thing Is

Heading out!
Coming home...
We all deserve a Doggy Day Out sometimes. 

Tuesday, November 2

Give Thanks for November

Now Showing! November vs. Monthra
Watch December consume everything in its path!
Let's show November some love!


Saturday, October 30

Thursday, October 28

Mad Skill

My decorating style can best be described as Lemony Snicket's. The interior of my home is truly a series of unfortunate events. My kind mother will make mostly lame attempts to humor me, but "Our skills lie elsewhere" is my favorite because it is actually true! The only way my skill would lie in home decor would be if it tripped and fell there on its way to one of my actual skills.

Wednesday, October 27

What It Isn't

Full disclosure-if the title of this blog was in any way misleading and you happened to drop in expecting something to do with art, of any kind, you will be sorely disappointed. Art and I, weren't not close.


Tuesday, October 26

Just Checking

Is it even legal to have a blog if you don't live in Portland?

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