Mr. Twister

Me: What do you do with my seat belt?

Hubby: What?

Me: My seat belt. It's completely twisted around and the fuzzy shoulder thing is backward. It's next to impossible to intentionally adjust that fuzzy shoulder thing, so how do you do it?

Hubby: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I'm talking about the fact that you drove my car a total of 3 1/2 miles and managed to twist the seat belt into a mess.

Hubby: Just untwist it.

Me: I don't WANT to have to untwist it. I want to know what gyrations you go through to get it that way.

Hubby: I just put it on. 

Me: No, that would be what normal drivers do. Normal drivers simply grab, pull and click. You apparently do some type of Swahili Safety Dance before driving away. 

Hubby: If there was such a thing, you would be the one to do it. You even strap in the dog. Astronauts are less secured. 

Me: And imagine if you hooked her in. We'd never get her untangled. Trapped in her own little doggie sarcophagus. 

Hubby: You don't mean sarcophagus. More like a cocoon. Or The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Me: Funny.

Hubby:  Hey, let's get the Buzz Aldrin harness and she can ride with me to Home Depot. I'll take your car. 

image/volvoblog

Reunion Time

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!

To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  

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REUNION CHECKLIST

HAIR                                                                            

     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Color

     ___Shave

     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)

     ___Pluck

     ___Lament (opt)

 SKIN

     ___Exfoliate

     ___Moisturize

     ___Tan

            ___Self

            ___Spray

            ___No actual UV (Why do you think this category is so long?)

     ___Plump

     ___Firm

     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)

     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

 NAILS

     ___Manicure

     ___Pedicure

     ___Obsess

     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

TEETH

     ___Brush ( x10)

     ___Actually Floss

     ___Whiten

            ___Toothpaste $

            ___Strips $$

            ___Dentist $$$

BODY 

     ___Diet

     ___Exercise

     ___Diet and Exercise 

     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)

     ___Spanx

CLOTHING

     ___Something Cute

            ___Warm weather

                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)

                   ___No cleavage?

            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)

     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous
            ___Comfy
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

ACCESSORIES

     ___A perfect hands-free bag

     ___Jewelry

     ___Camera

     ___Small album containing photos of:

            ___Adorable family

            ___Cute pets

            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.

     ___Husband (opt) 

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For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 

You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 

                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)

 image/flickr/cindyiscrafty

That's Questionable

Certain questions are only asked during particular phases of life: 

You left the baby at the petting zoo? 
A minivan?

 He needs a complete model of the solar system by when?

 You forgot you have a curfew?

Is that a real major? 

You're inviting how many guests to the wedding? 
A Porsche? 
A mother-in-law suite?

You left the grandbaby at the petting zoo?

An RV? 

 Will you look at all this grey? 

Bingo was last night?   

However, one question remains timeless:

Are you shitting me?