Tuesday, April 26

Mr. Twister

Me: What do you do with my seat belt?

Hubby: What?

Me: My seat belt. It's completely twisted around and the fuzzy shoulder thing is backward. It's next to impossible to intentionally adjust that fuzzy shoulder thing, so how do you do it?

Hubby: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I'm talking about the fact that you drove my car a total of 3 1/2 miles and managed to twist the seat belt into a mess.

Hubby: Just untwist it.

Me: I don't WANT to have to untwist it. I want to know what gyrations you go through to get it that way.

Hubby: I just put it on. 

Me: No, that would be what normal drivers do. Normal drivers simply grab, pull and click. You apparently do some type of Swahili Safety Dance before driving away. 

Hubby: If there was such a thing, you would be the one to do it. You even strap in the dog. Astronauts are less secured. 

Me: And imagine if you hooked her in. We'd never get her untangled. Trapped in her own little doggie sarcophagus. 

Hubby: You don't mean sarcophagus. More like a cocoon. Or The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Me: Funny.

Hubby:  Hey, let's get the Buzz Aldrin harness and she can ride with me to Home Depot. I'll take your car. 


Wednesday, April 20

Reunion Time

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!
To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  



     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)
     ___Lament (opt)

            ___No actual UV (Why do you think this category is so long?)
     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)
     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

     ___Brush ( x10)
     ___Actually Floss
            ___Toothpaste $
            ___Strips $$
            ___Dentist $$$

     ___Diet and Exercise 
     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)

     ___Something Cute
            ___Warm weather
                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)
                   ___No cleavage?
            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)
     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

     ___A perfect hands-free bag
     ___Small album containing photos of:
            ___Adorable family
            ___Cute pets
            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.
     ___Husband (opt) 


For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 
You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 
                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)


Thursday, April 14

That's Questionable

Certain questions are only asked during particular phases of life

You left the baby at the petting zoo? 
A minivan?
 He needs a complete model of the solar system by when?
 You forgot you have a curfew?
Is that a real major? 
You're inviting how many guests to the wedding? 
A Porsche? 
A mother-in-law suite?
You left the grandbaby at the petting zoo?
An RV? 
 Will you look at all this grey? 
Bingo was last night?   

However, one question remains timeless:

Are you shitting me?

Tuesday, April 5

Opposite Me

Opposite Me... is tan.

Opposite Me... drives an open-top Jeep. It is outdoorsy green. And always open. Even in the winter. Because she's like that.

Opposite Me... looks good wet. Out of the shower. And at the pool. Especially at the pool.

Opposite Me... glows in direct sunlight. Because she is luminous. And tan.

Opposite Me... wears sunglasses only to look cute. And to hold back her maintenance-free hair. Not because the bright light makes her squint like a mole. 

Opposite Me... is spontaneous. Her license plate says LETSGO. It is on her outdoorsy green open-top Jeep.

Opposite Me... can pack for an entire weekend in a ZipLoc bag. And will be prepared for dancing, hiking, swimming, the Farmers Market, and cocktails. 

Opposite Me... has a tattoo. (see: Spontaneous)

Opposite Me...  has boobs that stay where they belong. Without the aid of underwires or duct tape.

Opposite Me... loves to watch the sunrise. Without coffee. Or makeup.

Opposite Me... looks cute in hats. Any hats. But doesn't need them because she has "wind hair". (see: Open-top Jeep)

Opposite Me... entertains. On the spur of the moment. And likes it. 

Opposite Me... is lucky she isn't real. I'd have to choke her. 

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