Minimus Discovers Vintage

Minimus: Do you really think we'll find a coffee table for my apartment at this antique mall?

Me: I love this place! See? It's in an old train depot and has everything--antiques, vintage, fun junk. I bet you'll find something.

Maximus: I brought my list!

Me: Honey, it's not all about you today. I know that seems strange. 

Maximus: But I brought my list!

Me: You knew we were shopping for things for Minimus's apartment when you agreed to come along.

Maximus: But I still brought my list!

Hubby: I hope everything isn't expensive in here. We're not spending a fortune on a coffee table.

Me: Let's just go in...

Minimus: Hey, it's pretty cool in here.

Maximus: I'm going to look for some things on my list!

Hubby: Geez, some of this stuff is expensive.

Me: We've gone a total of 17 feet. Minimus, just go look around and see if you find something. 

                                              10 minutes later...

Maximus: (laughing) What are you doing in there?

Me: Where are you guys? What's so funny?

Maximus: Come here and look at Minimus!

Me: Wha..? Honey, what are you doing in a vintage clothing booth?

Minimus: Check out this shirt! It's vintage? I thought it was like Goodwill or something. It's cool!

Maximus: Bahahaha! It's terrible!

Minimus: It's cool. And it's vintage.

Me: It is kind of bad. Unless a 1974 middle management vibe is what you're going for.

Minimus: What? I like it. It's cool. And it's vintage. Oh wait, this blue one's better!  Hey, check it out! A plaid sport coat with rhinestones on the shoulders! 

Maximus: I have to get a picture of this. Go stand next to that mannequin head with the beret.

Hubby: What are you guys...   Why are you wearing that?!  I thought you needed a coffee table.

Minimus: This stuff is cool! And it's vintage. I'm going to get this shirt.

Hubby: It looks like a lot of the shirts you already have.

Minimus: But it's vintage.

Me: Let's just go look for a coffee table.

Minimus: Oh, I found one when we first came in. It's cool. And it's vintage.

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Adventures in Doggysitting

Me:  I'm heading to the grocery. I'll be back in a little while.

Hubby:  I think I'm just going to work in the yard. I'll let the dogs stay out with me.

Me:  Just be sure to keep an eye on them or put their fencing collars on so they stay in the yard. 

Hubby:  Um hmm...

(Later)

Hubby: You're back! I'll help you bring in the groceries.

Me:  Why are the dogs in the garage? 

Hubby: They were outside with me.

Me:  But they're all wet.

Hubby: Oh. Right. They... went on a little adventure. 

Me:  They were supposed to be in the yard with you.

Hubby: They were! And then they weren't. 

Me:  You're the parent whose toddler ends up on the neighbor's front porch naked with a Tootsie Pop stuck to its face, aren't you? 

Hubby:  The dogs aren't sticky. 

Me:  And that is your defense...

Hubby:  Oooh, look! You got cupcakes!

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Face(of a granny troll)Time

The Jetsons lied. 

Oasis of Tidy: A Fairy Tale

Me:  Wendy* is coming over in the morning so could you and the dogs, um...


Hubby:  Vanish?


Me:  You know the house doesn't stay tidy for more than 3 minutes when you're all in it. 


Hubby:  Are you saying we're messy?


Me:  Yes, Hansel, that's what I'm saying. If only your debris trail was bread crumbs, then the dogs could clean up after you.

Hubby:  I'll tidy up before I go to work.


Me:  Thanks. I just want it to be nice. You know how Wendy's house is a lovely oasis of organization and charm.


Hubby:  I think our house is an oasis.


Me:  After a sand storm.


Hubby:  Or a fur storm!


Me:  Not funny.


Hubby:  Hey, our house is great.


Me:  You don't even see the mess. You could live in a yurt.


Hubby:  My feelings, and I know I speak for the pets as well, are wounded.


Me:  Just don't bleed on the carpet. Wendy's coming.


*Names have not been changed to give credit where credit is due.


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What Teachers Wish They Could Say (The Series) Part 3

Maybe your dog should have eaten your homework. 


No, I won't tweet you what you missed. 


Did you check the class website? Yes, there's a class website.  Since the first week.  I know it's 
the last week.  No, it wasn't a "secret website".  Yes, it's too late to drop. 

Late:  /lāt/  (adjective): Coming after the time when due. Doing something or taking place after the 
          expected, proper, or usual time. 


That burning smell is probably your spell checker.


Did you bring your hard copy? Oh, you emailed it... 


This is why there are helmet laws. 


And to the other 99% of my students--Thank you!


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Witty Comeback

Hubby:  Hey, what's up with your blog?

Me: You read my blog?

Hubby:  You haven't made fun of me in almost two months.

Me:  It isn't nice to pick on the infirm.

Hubby:  Now there's a word you don't hear every day!

Me:  But when I've been seeing it before my very eyes...

Hubby:  You're referring to my recent back problems I assume?

Me:  Never knowing which character you would be each day? Frankenstein, Walter Brennan, Kevin Costner in "The Big Chill"... 

Hubby:  I wasn't dead!

Me:  But you did just lie there on a number of occasions.

Hubby:  I prefer to think of it as suffering in quiet dignity, like Gary Cooper in "The Pride of the Yankees".

Me:  But that's just not funny. 

Hubby:  Maybe you could write something kind and sympathetic for a change?

Me:  Aaand....he's back!

Hubby:  Punny.

Me:  See?!


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Twinkle Twinkle*

                                           

                  Day One

Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on? 

Me: Maximus was blow drying her hair. HONEY! PUSH THE RESET BUTTON IN THE BATHROOM!

Maximus: I'M NOT IN THERE ANYMORE!

Me: JUST GO PUSH IT!

                  
                                         
  
                  Day Two

Hubby: (returning from work) Why aren't the Christmas lights on?

Me: Because it's raining and that trips the invisible fencing that trips the breaker that shuts off the Christmas lights that worried the cat that killed the rat that ate the malt and we all live in the house that Jack built.

Hubby: Funny. Those lights take days you know. Just once I'd like to drive up and see what they look like.

Me: You do get to drive up and see what they look like. Tonight they look like we're Jewish. 

                                                      Day Three
Hubby: (returning from work) Why were the Christmas lights on when I left for work this morning?

Me: Perhaps you didn't explain to them the meaning of 'dusk'?      
 
                                                       Day Four
Hubby: (returning from work): The Christmas lights are on! Come see!

Me: KIDS! THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ARE ON! QUICK! COME DOWN AND SEE!

Maximus: IN A MINUTE! I JUST HAVE TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR!

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*a favorite holiday Scribble 

I Married a Christmas Elf (Episode 1)*

Hubby: So you'll be able to write a Christmas letter this year?

 (Oh NO! The annual Christmas letter argument. Quick! Use Hubby's "Feign Deafness" ploy.)

Me: Um...   What?

Hubby:  I said I thought since you have time to blog that you'd have time to write a Christmas letter this year.

Me: Um...  What? 

Hubby: Stop feigning deafness. You always say you're too busy but since you're writing anyway...  And you know people really liked the last one.

Me: That was 1993. 

Hubby: See how much you'll have to write about?

Me: It's a Christmas letter, not a miniseries. The kids don't do cute things to write about anymore. Now they call in the middle of the night because their dog got sick on the carpet and they want to know how to clean it up.

Hubby: Funny. 

Me: How about a Christmas 'insert'?

Hubby: I am not sending a little scrap of paper with Hi! The kids are in college, we're loving the peace and quiet, we eat on TV trays, drink lots of nice wine and pay entirely too much attention to the dog. Merry Christmas!

Me: The scraps can have a festive holiday print!

Hubby: You just don't want to write one. I send all the cards. The least you could do is write something to put in them. 

Me: Um...  What?
 

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*a favorite holiday Scribble

Held for Questioning

Entering Aging Maroon:

Me: Just need some t-shirts for Minimus and I'll take a quick look at the sweaters.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Yikes, that music. 

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: That isn't music.

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Will that song never end?!

Browsing....browsing.....

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: Eeeee NAH nah NAH....  Ack! It's like musical water torture! I'll buy these t-shirts and just go.

Cashier (to customer ahead in line):  Welcome to Aging Maroon! Did you find everything you were looking for today?  

Customer: Yes I did. 

Cashier: Did you scratch off your "FlyMeToThe'Roon" card? You could save up to 5%. 

Customer: Of course!
. 
Cashier: Would you like to save 10% and open an Aging Maroon card today?

Customer: No, thank you.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Cashier: Will you be using your Aging Maroon Love the 'Roon Special Shopper Card today?

Customer: Yes, but I don't have it with me.

Me: (Oh, good grief.)  

Cashier: No problem! I'll just look you up! .....   Name on the account? ....   There you are! ... Can I have your email address so you can receive multiple notifications a day about our special offers? Oh, I see you're using one of our e-roonpons! Let me just scan that...  Okay, your total is $87.43.

Me: (Finally.)  

Cashier: Would you like to become a member of our Socka'Roony Frequent Buyer Club? Buy 27 and 1/2 pairs of socks and get the 28th sock free! You get a punch card.

Me: (Don't think about punching. Don't think about punching.)

Cashier: I'm sorry, but your credit card won't scan. May I please see your driver's license?

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

Me: (For the love of....!!) 

Cashier: I'm going to have to take an imprint of your card since it won't scan. Hm, where is that imprinter thingy.....?  Shari, do you have the imprinter thingy?.... Here we go! ... There. Now what is your home phone number and address? .... Do you have a cell number?.... And let me put your driver's license number here at the bottom.... 

Me: GAH! Are you kidding me?!!  She's buying some clothes, not adopting a child!

Silence.

Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh. Eeeee NAH nah NAH nah uh. uh. uh.

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Mixed Priorities or "The Raccoon Tale"*

Hubby: I'm going to Home Depot to get a replacement for the drain cover in our shower.

Me: Wha..? Might I ask why the shower drain cover would be a priority for today?

Hubby: Because it's all cruddy and gross.

Me: Ohh, I forgot. Today is Reverse Priority Day! Isn't that where we start at the bottom of our to-do list and work our way up to the things that actually matter?

Hubby: What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are about 749 other things that need to be taken care of before I would even THINK of replacing that shower drain cover. 

Hubby: What would you rather I do today, then?

Me: I thought you might want to get rid of the dead raccoon in the middle of the kitchen floor, for starters.

Hubby: I hadn't noticed that. 

Me: Clearly. I decided to just leave it there and wait to see how long it took for you to stop stepping over it and pick it up. Yet you notice the shower drain cover.

Hubby: Yep. Well, I'm heading out. Anything else you want me to pick up?

Me: Just the raccoon.


*A Scribbles Hubby Favorite!
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Fun at the Grocery Store*

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Hey Mrs.Crayon.  ..scan..scan..

This does not impress me. Calling me by my name does not make me feel like an Extra Super Special Customer. He only knows me because he has scanned my Extra Super Special Customer card and, frankly, I find this a little creepy.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Did you find everything you were, like, looking for today?  ..scan..scan..

Me: Actually, no. I was looking for creamed squirrel and you're either out of it or you don't carry it. I couldn't find any.

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Oh, I'm sorry. ..scan..scan.. 

Me: That's it?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Paper or plastic? ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  Aren't you going to ask anyone? The specialty small animal manager? Ask someone to check in the back? Maybe you just haven't put it out yet. I know it's early for some of the seasonal items. 

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  I don't think we carry crushed squirrel. I've never seen it.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me:  It's not... Maybe you just didn't notice. The can is pretty small.  

Register Guy: ..scan..scan..  I could ask Todd.  ..scan..scan..  But he's at lunch.

Me: Probably eating the last of my creamed squirrel...

Register Guy:  Did you look with the little canned stuff like Underwood Deviled Ham? ..scan..scan..  Dude, that stuff is gross.  ..scan..scan.. 

Me: So if you're not going to do anything about it why do you always ask?

Register Guy:  ..scan..scan..  Because Todd makes us.   ..scan..scan..   So you'll feel like an Extra Super Special Customer.  ..scan..scan...

Me:  Right now I just feel like an Annoyed Extra Super Special Customer. Without her creamed squirrel.  

Register Guy:  ..ching..  Do you have any coupons?

Me: Just for creamed squirrel. 

Register Guy:  ..ching..  That'll be $147.63. Hey, you saved $0.12 with your Extra Super Special Shopper card!  And sorry about your chipmunk mousse, or whatever, Mrs. Carbon.

*a Scribbles rerun
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Being That Parent: A Guide (Chapter 1)

Being That Parent: A Guide 

 Provides parent-proven tips guaranteed to turn any parent, however well meaning,

into That Parent. Simply choose a suggestion from the list 

and be amazed how quickly you, too, can become That Parent. 

Tip #1  Everyone Loves the Spotlight

1. Notice your child's ___. 

    (You may choose from the following or select something from your own child)

          -endearing and/or quirky habit

          -cute freckles, blemishes, adorably tiny earlobes, honky Uncle Lester laugh

          -lack of (muscles, boobs, facial hair, math skills)

          -overabundance of (hair product, enthusiasm for Greek tragedy, glitter eyeshadow,      
            passion for Justin Bieber)

2. Be sure to comment on it.

3. To them.

4. At the game/parent-teacher conference/recital/Justin Bieber concert meet and greet.

5. In front of their friends. And Justin Bieber.

Tip #2    "It's Not My Party and I'll Ground You If I Want To"

Punish your child for their latest infraction by forbidding them to attend the birthday party tomorrow that you RSVP'd to three weeks ago. You will become not only That Parent to your child, but to the parents of the birthday child as well. 

Tip #3    "No Food for You!"   -The Food Nazi

Only have healthy foods in your home. No exceptions. If it has to be washed, chopped, cooked or killed prior to eating all the better. This will assure A) your children and their friends will go to someone else's house and B) they won't be eating the fancy, organic groceries you just spent a fortune on at Whole Foods. 

Please join us next month for another chapter of Being That Parent: A Guide 

when we discuss  "My Car, My Music": That Parent Behind the Wheel.  

Being That Parent welcomes contributions from readers for future chapters of the Guide!

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Why Shopping is Annoying Reason #73

Clerk: Hi! Welcome to ShopRags! Are you looking for anything special today? 

Me: Oh, hi Mincy. 

Clerk: My name's Mincy! Let me know if I can help you with anything!

Me: I know who...  Right. Actually I just came in...

Clerk: Did you see the fabulous Indian blanket sweater coat with the fur sleeves and trim?! 

Me: Mincy, I'm still in the doorway.

Clerk: Come on! Let me show you!

Me: It's 87 degrees outside. Who would even think of buying something like that yet?

Clerk: Ohhhh looook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XL?

Me: They're gone already? That is incredible.

Clerk: Seriously, I think you could wear the XL. We'll just add this amazing snakeskin belt...

Me: No, Mincy, I just meant that it's still so hot outside...

Clerk: Don't be sad! I'll call another store! We have free shipping to your house if the item weighs less than 40 lbs. Oh. Maybe I should weigh it.

Me: Please don't bother. I only came in to...

Clerk: It's no bother! Or maybe you'd like this other sweater coat with triple leather and faux ocelot. Ohhhh loook. There's only one left. Can you wear an XS?

Me: They're gone, too? I can't believe it.

Clerk: Now you're sad.

Me: Really, it's fine. I didn't come in to buy a Sasquatch sweater coat. I just needed some grey tights.

Clerk: Yay! We have LOTS of those! Let's just get them and I'll ring you up.

Me: Thanks Mincy. 

Clerk: That will be $15.27. Was anyone helping you today?


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Model Behavior

A former supermodel lives nearby. At the height of her career 
she looked like this.

Currently she looks like this.

We see one another on our walks.












 

When she walks her baby she looks like this.

When I walk my dog I look like this.

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It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Everyone: What a beautiful day!

Me: Finally we can have the windows open and let in some fresh air!

Neighbor A:  Might as well put the sealant on the driveway this morning.

Neighbor B:  Oh, dear. I think I left the dog outside. I hope he doesn't bark while I'm at work.

Neighbor C:  Let's burn something!

Neighbor D:  If I start pressure washing the deck by 7 AM  I can hopefully finish by dark. 

Neighbor E:  We're recording some music for a Toyota commercial over here in the driveway
                    today. 'No! The tubas go back by the fig tree!' Just wanted to let you know.*

Neighbor F: Good thing I borrowed that manure spreader from Cliff.
  
Neighbor G:  Honey, have you seen the chainsaw?

*Morses, we miss you! 

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Just Call Me Dr. Frankenstein

 Me: I just need to pick up some body wash and then we can check out.

Maximus:  Which one are you getting? 

Me: I don't know. Let's just smell some and decide. Oooh, this one is nice!

Maximus: It's also $9! Just get the Suave. It's $1.93.
 
Me: Ew. It won't smell good.  

Maximus: It smells fine. See? 

Me: Try this one! It smells like grapefruit-yum! 

Maximus:You won't be eating it! And it's $10! Just get the Suave.

Me: When did you become Ms. Frugal?

Maximus: I'm in college now, remember?

Me: Smell this one. Ginger and honeysuckle! Very nice. And only $7.

Maximus: Just get the Suave.

Me: Who are you?

Maximus: I'm the one who'll end up explaining to you why you don't get to live in Sunset Villas but have to reside at Uncle Budell's Senior Care and Mini Golf because you chose to squander your money on $9 body wash. 

Me: I've created a monster.

Maximus: Here's your Suave. Let's go check out! I might even have a coupon....


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Summer Perfection

Do you recognize this family?

Neither do I.

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Let's Chat! Or Not.

Simultaneous Cell Phone Conversations

Me (to brother who just called): Oh, hi! No, it's fine. We're just in the car running around in Franklin. Picking up a pie at that great bakery. The cherry is amazing! Then probably hitting this funny shoe store we found. They have those boots you like. Yes, those! Another reason you guys need to come down! And it's beautiful here today. 
 
Hubby (to brother who just called): Hey! Not much. Doing a little running around.  

Me: What are you guys up to? Aah, I've always wanted to go there!  Remember when we tried to get everyone together that time....  Oh, that wasn't there. It was that other place. Are you taking the kids? Oh gosh, don't forget the stroller-and what about the twins? Really? They make those? Anyway, you guys will have so much fun! 

Hubby: Whatcha up to? Fun. Great course.

Me: Oh my gosh! You should see the old car that just drove...  Hey, are we going to that car show this year when we come to Ohio? That was so fun the last time! Okay. Just check to see when it is. Oh! The car that just drove by was fabulous! It was an old VW van, but it was this great aqua color on the bottom! Did they come in that color originally? They did? And the chrome looked like new! I know! Hardly ever. You would have loved it.  

Hubby: Nice! We just passed an old VW van
. 
Me: You probably need to get going. I'm sure we will. Have a great time today! Send some pics! And just call me about the car show. You, too! We'll talk later!

Hubby: Okay. Really? Sure. Later.


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The Sound of Silence

I thought I wanted one of these:
 

Until I found this:

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Summer Me

Summer Me: The Fantasy

Summer Me: The Reality 

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