Mr. Twister

Me: What do you do with my seat belt?

Hubby: What?

Me: My seat belt. It's completely twisted around and the fuzzy shoulder thing is backward. It's next to impossible to intentionally adjust that fuzzy shoulder thing, so how do you do it?

Hubby: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I'm talking about the fact that you drove my car a total of 3 1/2 miles and managed to twist the seat belt into a mess.

Hubby: Just untwist it.

Me: I don't WANT to have to untwist it. I want to know what gyrations you go through to get it that way.

Hubby: I just put it on. 

Me: No, that would be what normal drivers do. Normal drivers simply grab, pull and click. You apparently do some type of Swahili Safety Dance before driving away. 

Hubby: If there was such a thing, you would be the one to do it. You even strap in the dog. Astronauts are less secured. 

Me: And imagine if you hooked her in. We'd never get her untangled. Trapped in her own little doggie sarcophagus. 

Hubby: You don't mean sarcophagus. More like a cocoon. Or The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Me: Funny.

Hubby:  Hey, let's get the Buzz Aldrin harness and she can ride with me to Home Depot. I'll take your car. 

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Reunion Time

Ladies, class reunion season is here again!

To make preparing for your reunion a bit easier, a handy clip-out checklist is provided.  

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REUNION CHECKLIST

HAIR                                                                            

     ___Cut   (Especially if you still look like your senior picture)                  
     ___Color

     ___Shave

     ___Wax  (Especially if you're beginning to look like your husband's senior picture)

     ___Pluck

     ___Lament (opt)

 SKIN

     ___Exfoliate

     ___Moisturize

     ___Tan

            ___Self

            ___Spray

            ___No actual UV (Why do you think this category is so long?)

     ___Plump

     ___Firm

     ___Lament  see: UV (opt)

     ___Step back two feet (There.That's better.)

 NAILS

     ___Manicure

     ___Pedicure

     ___Obsess

     ___Chip and (opt) Swear

TEETH

     ___Brush ( x10)

     ___Actually Floss

     ___Whiten

            ___Toothpaste $

            ___Strips $$

            ___Dentist $$$

BODY 

     ___Diet

     ___Exercise

     ___Diet and Exercise 

     ___Self Acceptance
     ___Lament (opt)

     ___Spanx

CLOTHING

     ___Something Cute

            ___Warm weather

                   ___Cleavage? (Don't bother. He looks like Clint Howard now.)

                   ___No cleavage?

            ___Cool weather (opt: Tan, Pedicure, select Hair items)

     ___Great Shoes
            ___Fabulous
            ___Comfy
            ___Fabulous and comfy (Hahahaha!)

ACCESSORIES

     ___A perfect hands-free bag

     ___Jewelry

     ___Camera

     ___Small album containing photos of:

            ___Adorable family

            ___Cute pets

            ___Omit: lavish vacation home(s), childbirth, trips, any recent surgeries.

     ___Husband (opt) 

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For many of these items, as with skydiving and the rhythm method, timing is key. Hopefully this checklist provides some semblance of order to what is often a stressful, albeit self-induced, time.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. 

You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. 

                                                     -Debi  (Grosse Pointe Blank)

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That's Questionable

Certain questions are only asked during particular phases of life: 

You left the baby at the petting zoo? 
A minivan?

 He needs a complete model of the solar system by when?

 You forgot you have a curfew?

Is that a real major? 

You're inviting how many guests to the wedding? 
A Porsche? 
A mother-in-law suite?

You left the grandbaby at the petting zoo?

An RV? 

 Will you look at all this grey? 

Bingo was last night?   

However, one question remains timeless:

Are you shitting me?

The Road to Hell...

Good Intention: My children will not wear those tacky clothes with cartoon characters on them.

Result: But this new outfit will look so cute on you! And it has a matching headband! No, not the Little Mermaid dress again. Because you've already worn it three days in a row and you smell like I keep you in a box in the attic. I know the new dress doesn't have a picture. No, that doesn't make it yucky. Where is what? The Beauty and the Beast dress is in the clothes hamper. Yes, still. Come back here!  Get out of the dirty clothes! If you wear the new outfit I'll let you wear your Cinderella shoes. Yes, with those sparkle socks. Wait. I thought all your sparkle socks were in the hamper...?



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Let's Keep Shaggy Out of This

Previously, spending an hour getting ready resulted in this.

Currently, spending an hour getting ready results in this.

I don't like where this is going.

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Lip Lockout

Cosmetics Clerk: Hi! May I help you?

Me: Yes, please. I wanted to pick up your new lipstick. The one featured in the latest issue of You Will Never Look Like This But It Can't Hurt To Try.

Cosmetics Clerk: Ooh, the yummy pink one?

Me: Yes! That one!

Cosmetics Clerk: We're all out. Sorry.

Me: How could you be out already? I just received my issue this week. 

Cosmetics Clerk: Those special seasonal colors go really fast. 

Me: I understand that, but the color is called Summer Fun. 

Cosmetic Clerk: A perfect name, don't you think? Perfect shade, perfect name.

Me: A perfect name for a lipstick that should be available for the SUMMER! It's barely the Ides of March and already I can't get it.

Cosmetics Clerk: The Ides of March? I don't think we have that either.

Me: No, the Ides of..  never mind.  Do you have a color similar to Summer Fun?

Cosmetics Clerk: Probably not. It was super pretty.

Me: Fine. I'll just get a tube of your LashMeToTheBedpost mascara. 

Cosmetics Clerk: We discontinued that. Sorry. 

Me: You are kidding me. Then I'll take one of those SeeSpotRun touch up sticks. I love those.

Cosmetics Clerk: Great! Oh, no...  I only have the touch up stick in Coal Miner #23 and Casper #1. You could probably get away with the Casper...

Me: Do you ever actually have any products to sell at this counter?
 
Cosmetics Clerk: That super pretty special seasonal lipstick called Summer Fun sold like crazy!
   
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Teaching is... Surprising

Me: The last round of speeches...yak, yak, yak...and some delivery issues we need to... blah, blah, blah... and everyone on the first day... yap, yap, yap...

(They aren't listening to a thing I'm saying. They all seem so distracted.)

Me: And for my next trick I will balance this chair on my head while I dance naked in a pile of flaming rags.

(Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What is with them today?)

Me: Okay, what is with all of you today?

Student R: Oh, we're sorry! We've been watching a spider go up and down from the ceiling. And as you move around, sometimes you're standing under it and sometimes you're not. 

Me: Fabulous. A spider is more interesting than I am today.

Student C: No problem. We can't see it anymore. 

Me: Good! Hopefully now....

Student J: Because it's in your hair. 

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...robe Malfunction

Me: Before we watch TV just let me get my robe.

Hubby: The fuzzy blue one?

Me: Yes, why?

Hubby: Oh, nothing.

Me:  What? You know it's my favorite robe! And it's so warm!

Hubby: And it's also starting to look like Dan Ackroyd's Santa suit in Trading Places.

Me: It is not!

Hubby: I bet if you reach far enough into the pocket you can pull out some smoked trout.

Me: That is disgusting.

Hubby: As is that robe.

Me: Noooo! Maybe an extra wash in OxiClean and a fluff in the dryer?

Hubby: Maybe a good dousing with gasoline and a match?

Me: That would be cruel. It's been such a loyal companion...

Hubby: We'll get you a new companion. Wouldn't you like a new companion? 

Me: Well... I suppose. But where will you go?  

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What's Cookin'?

Me: On Sunday we're having that pork tenderloin you like, with my homemade stuffing, so we'll both be happy.

Hubby: A pork roast?

Me: No, the pork tenderloin. The one you like.

Hubby: Oh. Okay. Is it like those sandwiches?

Me: No, not the sandwiches! The PORK TENDERLOIN. That long piece that's YOUR FAVORITE!

Hubby: Oh, that! I love that. Good! And you're making Stove Top? 

Me: No! Did I say Stove Top? I said I'm making my homemade stuffing and that's why we will both be happy. Because you like the pork tenderloin and I like my stuffing. You heard nothing I said did you?

Hubby: And when are we having this?

Me: June 12th.

Hubby: Sounds great.

Me: It's February.

Hubby: You usually don't plan so far ahead. 

Me: Not usually, no.

Hubby: Hey! Could we have it Sunday?

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Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #43

Clerk:  Hi! May I help you?

Have I fallen? Dropped something? I've just set foot in the door!

Me: Not yet, thank you. Just going to browse around for a top.

Clerk: Any particular type of top?

I don't dare tell her I'm trying very hard not to buy my 98th grey turtleneck and to find something different and fun. She'll drag me around, showing me all kinds of revolting things that I'll have to come up with some kind of excuse why I don't want to try on!

Me: Not really, no. 

Clerk: Ok, then. My name is Mincy. Just let me know if you need anything.

Me: Okay, thank you.

Now where are the 'not a hooker' tops? Oh, look! Turtlenecks! Stop it. Just step away. Now these tops are cute--nice neckline, good length, here's a pretty blue one. Good lord, the back is completely sheer!

Me: So the hooker tops are just sprinkled willy nilly throughout the store then?

Clerk: Excuse me?

Me: Nothing. Still browsing.

Why are all the tops so weird?, Sheer, tiny straps, plunging necklines, flowers, ruffles, chain mail? 

Me: Mincy, I'm just not understanding these tops. 

Clerk: Oh, some of them aren't meant to be worn by themselves. You're supposed to layer them.

Me: So do they come with some sort of tags, or numbering system, like Garanimals?

Clerk: Like what?

Of course you've never heard of Garanimals. You're eleven.  

Me: Nothing. So I have to buy two or three tops to get the look of one top? Sort of a 'build your own' type of thing? Like at the yogurt shop?

Clerk: Yes. *giggle*  Kind of like that! See? You can take this one, and put this one underneath, and then this one on top. Oooh, and then wrap this belt around and add these nine necklaces! Totally cute! 

It's the total that concerns me. 

Clerk: Would you like me to put them in a dressing room for you?

Me: Why not? Let's give it a go.

Clerk: There you are. Now, if you need anything, a different size or something, I'm Mincy .

Me: Yes, you'd said. Okay, thank you. Is there a bell, or a secret whistle or something?  

Clerk: You're funny! I'll just be back to check on you.

Right. Okay, this one first. So many little straps...  Now this one. Which is the front?...  Then this sweater thing over it all... This can't be right. Maybe the belt is to go over your eyes so you can't see the mess you've created. Let's see if the necklaces 'pull the outfit together'... Oh, my. I look homeless. I suppose that's the trend now. 'Homeless Chic'. I need Mincy. Where the hell is Mincy?

Clerk: How's it going in there? It's so cute, isn't it? Don't you love the way the necklaces pull the outfit together? Can I get you anything?

Me: Yes, please. Would you bring me one of those grey turtlenecks in a medium? 

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Mixed Priorities or "...but what about the raccoon?"

Hubby: I'm going to Home Depot to get a replacement for that drain cover in our shower.

Me: Wha..? Might I ask why that would be a priority for today?

Hubby: Because it's all cruddy and gross.

Me: Oh, that's right. I forgot that today was Reverse Priority day. Isn't that where we start at the bottom of our to-do list and work our way up to the things that really matter?

Hubby: What do you mean?

Me: I mean there are about 957 other things that need to be taken care of before I would even THINK of replacing that shower drain cover. 

Hubby: What would you rather I do today, then?

Me: I thought you might want to get rid of the dead raccoon in the middle of the kitchen floor, for starters.

Hubby: I hadn't noticed that. 

Me: Clearly. I decided to just leave it there and see how long it took for you to stop stepping over it and actually bend over and pick it up. Yet you notice the shower drain cover.

Hubby: Yep. Well, I'm heading out. Anything else you want me to pick up?

Me: Just the raccoon.

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If You're Happy and You Know It

Hubby: Come take this "Happiness Quiz" in the Southwest Airlines magazine. I filled mine out on the plane and I want to see how you score.

Me: You are so competitive.

Hubby: Me?! You even compare our blood work after our physicals.

Me: That is not the least bit odd.

Hubby: Okay, I'll read you the questions and you answer them using the scale 1: not at all like me to 5: extremely like me. Ready?
 

Me: Oh, fine. But I'm a happy person, we both know it, and you're just jealous.

Hubby: Just answer the questions! Okay--"I have more good days than bad days."

Me: Five.

Hubby: "I matter to other people."

Me: Five

Hubby: "I enjoy things every day."

Me: Five

Hubby: You can't just answer "Five" for every question! That's not happy, that's delusional. 

Me: Why? What did you answer for that one?

Hubby: "Two."

Me: "Two" ? You have got to be kidding. And you wonder why I say you're a "glass is half empty" person. 

Hubby: But I said "Four" to "I take time for leisure activities"!

Me: I would hope so! Your day to day existence appears to be less than satisfactory.

Hubby: YOU don't take time for leisure activities.

Me: Of course I don't. Who has the time? I'm too busy making myself happy and obviously spending futile hours trying to make you happy as well. Was Eeyore a role model for you as a child?

Hubby: Very funny. Just finish answering the questions.

Me: Two. Four. Five. Five. Five. 

Hubby: Okay, let me add up your score. See? I knew it! You score in the "I Want Whatever She's Having" category.

Me: You know I live in my own Happy Land and it's very enjoyable there.

Hubby: I want to live in Happy Land, too. I can be more like Tigger!

Me: I know you can, honey. You just need to choke your inner Eeyore to death first. Then picture two Tiggers running joyously through Happy Land together. See? Isn't it fun there?

Hubby: Um, on second thought, I'm not sure there's enough room for both of us in Happy Land. Someone needs to stay home, and by "home" I mean "In touch with reality".

Me: Fine. No Eeyores allowed in Happy Land anyway. Didn't you see the sign?

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The Road to Hell...

Good Intention 

My children will not look ridiculous in public.

The Result  

Me: No, you cannot wear that Batcape to go shopping.

Minimus: Yes, I can.

Me: No, it's just for around the house.
 
Minimus: But I might NEED it!

Me: Honey, it's made from a diaper. You have a diaper tied around your neck. Do you want to go out like that?

Minimus: Yes! And SHE'S wearing her stupid tutu!

Me:  No, she isn't. 

Maximus: Yes I am!

Me: No, you're not.  Go put on those cute shorts we picked out.

Maximus: They're YUCKY! Tutu tutu tutu tutu tutu tutu. And BOOTS!  Boots boots boots boots boots boots.

Me: Just go get in the car.     

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The Mom Life

 On many days being a mom feels surprisingly similar

to being pecked to death by chickens.

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The Road to Hell...

Good Intention:  Seriously, why do parents allow their kids to eat such awful foods? When I have kids, I'm not even going to have that junk in my house.


Result: Do you want strawberry or chocolate swirl Pop Tarts with your Lucky Charms? And we only have orange Hi C or milk. No, I will not put Quik in it. Do you know how much sugar is in that stuff?




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A Note to January

Dearest January,

   Just a little note to tell you how thrilled I am that you've arrived. After the chaos that we call the holidays you are absolute calendar perfection! Thirty-one blissfully empty little squares to fill with soup making, time by the fireplace, even a little organizing. Sadly, some find you boring. You are not one of those pushy months that shoves events at us nonstop, but a quieter month that requires some effort. Many would argue that this effort is primarily spent on snow removal. Weather issues do tend to overshadow your more subtle charms, but charming you can be. So again, thrilled to have you back!
Affectionately,
Crayon
    

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Happy New Year!

 

Happy New Year!

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Why Shopping is Annoying-Reason #67

This vanity sizing thing has to stop. Back in The Land That Time Forgot  I am a solid size 8. Now my lower half is a zero. A zero! Technically this means I'm invisible from the waist down. This is clearly not the case. Ask anyone who has attempted to navigate a grocery store aisle with me in it. What do the truly tiny wear? (I know-Do Not Cry for Them, Allsotinya.) Soon small clothing will need to be sized by powers of ten. Excuse me. Do you have this skirt in a 0⁷? Trickery. Bah. But that soft pink dressing room lighting...



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Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas!

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"Happy" Holidays

A mother obviously did not coin the term Happy Holidays.

A mother would have chosen a different adjective. 

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